Late Night Ramblings of a Girl A Year On.

I keep writing this blog post in my head and then I go to tell someone and it’s all gone. Before Jess died a year ago she asked us all to write letters to her or talk to her when we wanted to tell her something. At the time we all thought it was silly to write letters and then after she died it seemed like the perfect thing to do.

I’m putting the letter up as Late Night Ramblings because for all intents and purposes this letter is one long ramble. I’m also putting it up here in the hopes people will relate and get something out of reading it. All your comments on other Late Night posts are supportive and helpful and I think you’re all awesome for it.

Well Jess here we are one year on. One year where I haven’t told you all the good the bad and the ugly. One year where we haven’t cried on each others shoulders or laughed so hard we’ve cried and most importantly one year where we haven’t spent countless hours on Tumblr and watching Disney films while eating as much sugar as we possibly could. What a waste of a year. And yet it doesn’t feel like a year at all.

I honestly thought it would be easier. People have told me it get’s easier and yet now I realise they were bull shitting me. If anything I’ve cried more today than I did when you died. Why can’t shock last forever? It hurts so much knowing you’re not here. Knowing I can’t ring you up and just rant for hours and you’d have a one word answer that solved all my problems. Looking back that answer always seemed to be food related. I miss it all so much! More than anything though I miss you. I miss your smile and your courage. You stared death down so many times and came back to us smiling. We all have our theories about that, Liam still thinks you’re really a vampire. You gave me the strength to apply for new jobs and go to new places, make new friends and learn the halfpipe but you weren’t there to watch. I sometimes think you do cheer me on and it makes me smile and I carry on. You used to laugh when people called you a cheerleader but that’s what you were to us.

You do realise you should still be here right? The doctor told you in the beginning that you had at least a year left. You looked so relieved and happy knowing it could all turn out right. We were happy too knowing we could keep you that much longer. All those plans we made turned to dust in 5 minutes. All your hopes and dreams gone. We promised we’d do some of your wish list but damn it I am not sky diving. Neither am I going hunting for yetis. You must have been on the good pain meds when you wrote this list. You were crazy enough to do it. You were crazy enough to do anything.

You’d be happy knowing how we’ve all grown and you’d probably be dancing at the fact that there’s a fair few of us here today stood at your graveside with letters. The looks we’re getting is amazing. Your Grandma is here with us and she’s even put stamps on her letters to you. She has your sense of humour and it’s quite comforting knowing that the angels that take the post to heaven are stamp collectors.

I miss you but I know it was your time to go. All the good times will stay with me forever and all the bad have changed my outlook on life but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve cried enough for one day and every time I think of you it feels like my heart gets stronger.

Thank you for being my friend. My best friend. Thank you for allowing me to spend those last days and moments with you and thank you for just being there even though I can’t see you anymore.

I hope you’re enjoying your big adventure, Doll. Oh and you’d be vey proud of Poirot’s new found skills. He’s a great wallpaper stripper.

IMG_0021

Late night ramblings of a vampire who doesn’t know if she belongs.

Ramblings5

 

I hardly swear. In fact I hate swearing but it’s times like these where I feel like I am totally f*cked in the head.

RambleAnother thing I hardly do is admit I am human. It might be a delusion or a product of my messed up mind but I’m not sure what I am.

I’m an asexual, agender, dyslexic, dyspraxic, possibly now gluten intolerant, bipolar, goth girl who doesn’t understand anything what this world does or says.

I’ve never felt like I am human because I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’m waiting for that day where someone finds me and tells me they are taking me back home. People think I’m joking when i say, “I’m looking for Narnia.” Every so often though. I’m not. A place where the trees and animals talk actually seems to make a more sense than this world sometimes.

I must be missing something people have that blocks out all the insanity of this world.

I’ve been accused of being selfish a lot growing up but looking at the big picture, too many people put money, politics and their own selfish needs before everything else.

Is it just me who sees that the important thing in this whole world should be the fact that we are alive and strive to live in a happy world?

Maybe there is a reason I have mental health issues because what I’ve seen of this world I’m not sure how the population got this far in the first place. The Manic state of my bipolar is actually a blessing, it drops me into a world which makes this one seem like a super happy musical. Every other emotion though makes me want to run away, the self harming and over doses aren’t me trying to kill myself it’s me trying to figure out if this is real or not and find an escape route. Ramblings4

I have an annoying habit of reactively trying to find the positive in everything. It’s getting to the point now where it is tiring when you live in a world what just throws a lot of crap at you. I feel like dropping off the face of the earth just to see if anyone in my life would notice I was missing. RamblingsA

I like to think I have a close group of friends but my time watching people I’m starting to think they are just coping with me because I am the one who latched onto them. In the end though because I latched onto them I’m the one who will keep running back to them, although I start to feel like they are purposely trying to inch away. I always have keep that bit of distance between me and them so ok they can hurt me but they can’t tear me apart. I notice some make arrangements and I wasn’t there it hurts to be lift out hence that distance is needed because they will change and grow up but that’s one of the things I’m not sure I am able to do.  know if I let people crawl further in I’ll be back to that state were I get ripped to pieces again and only held together by an auditory hallucination

I’ve always been treated differently aRamblings 7nd it wasn’t really because of the obvious fashion choices.

I grew up in my own world because from an early age I overall have been alone. Not a lot of people really know but I spent a lot of the first 10-ish years of my life in hospital, but even if it wasn’t for those days off from school I have a feeling I’d still have gotten treated differently. No one in my class understood me I’ve never acted my age no matter how many times I got told to grow up. My personality ranged from being immature in front of hospital staff to being middle aged when it came to being in front of teachers. My personality has never fitted in to cope with those of my age in the schools I have been to and certain characteristics of mine definitely didn’t help with the fitting in process.

Or maybe I give off some weird signal that keeps people away, I think that’s why I identify being a vampire, they are humanoid in stories such as Dracula they have no obvious power but blend into the darkness but also humans see them as dangerous. In some ways as well I’m stuck age wise, everyone seems to be able to change and grow up. I’ve noticed I have changed, well actually it’s more of I’ve become more confident, but growing up emotionally, I’m stuck at that age where everything doesn’t make sense.

When will I be super sexy and when will I be able to turn into a bat?

 

Vampire films you need to watch

There are more vampire films then we care to think about in the world. Some come from the bygone era of black and white silent while some are traditional Japanese anime. Vampires aren’t even the same stereotype anymore. Once they … Continue reading

Peter Cushing, our favourite Vampire Hunter, is 100 today!

Peter Cushing. The great British actor. He was Sherlock Holmes, he was Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars New Hope. He has even been Doctor Who in Doctor Who and the Daleks. He’s done it all. When I was younger … Continue reading

Vampire Knight

Ok, I know we have mentioned we are going to be writing about Exhibitions and Films… But we all have to read right?… I will probably do more book/manga reviews in the past. If anyone has any suggestions on what to read (I’ve read The Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy (4 times… not sure why I’m proud of that) then give us a message and I’m sure one of us will get around to reading it… Natalie might be the best for proper books as I just write them. However, I will try and give a good/honest book review when I do get around to reading 😀

Image

I’ll admit my reaction of being shocked at the first part of the chapter then crying towards the end and then rocking backwards and forwards in denial has happened with nearly every new chapter of Vampire Knight the past few months.

So Manga/Anime fans!

If you have been to any Cosplay convention/party you will have probably have seen someone in the Cross Academy Night Class Uniform or Day Class Uniform. I’m not going to try and give anything away considering there may be those of you out there who are waiting for the Manga books to come out instead of doing the impatient thing of hunting down translators once a month.

Vampire Knight has slowly become a popular manga, created by Matsuri Hino (We praise you) early 2005 AND IT IS STILL GOING! However, one detail that made me sit in the corner and cry for a while was released in the latest translations of Chapter 88. Again Spoilers. I’m not going to say.

So, the story of Vampire Knight. These Vampires don’t sparkle… They are just really pretty. The beginning of the story is based around human girl called Yuuki/Yuki (Depending on the translation depends what spelling but they both are pronounced the same) Cross, a kind cheerful 15 year old… who can also eat a lot. We find out that Yuuki has no memories from before she was five years old, her first memory is of a snowy winters day. Enter *Fan girl scream* Kaname Kuran. Kaname saves 5 year old Yuuki from an evil vampire that wants to suck her blood- actioned packed right from the start- this reveals to Yuuki that Kaname is also a vampire. Kaname spends a lot of time trying to protect Yuuki. Again with spoilers I’m not going to go into it but I will say there is another reason for it other than Kaname is responsible for Yuuki as he saved her life.

Kaname leaves Yuuki in the care of Chairman Cross, a slightly… errm how do I put it… weird? man, ok he’s just seems to be really happy but you can tell he really cares :’). Although like most of the characters in Vampire Knight it does turn out he has a secret past later on in the series. Kaien (That’s the Chairmans real name) adopts Yuuki. This sets up the scene to bring in the third main character and second guy after Yuuki’s heart… *Drum Roll*  Zero Kiryu! Basically Zero gets brought to live with Yuuki and the Chairman after his family are killed by a Pureblood Vampire (Rule of Vampire Knight, there are different kinds of Vampires- humour is put into this as there is actually a hierarchy triangle placing where all the vampires are on it. Pureblood Vampires are the highest and rarest vampires, only they can change humans into Vampires and even then there can be consequences for said human. If the human survives the change the human will need to feed off of a Pureblood to keep their sanity, if not said Ex-Human Vampire will degrade into what is called, “Level E,” Which is when the Vampire Hunters can come and kill them as Level E vampires pose a threat.

Back to Zero, his family died, we find out he has a twin brother who is believed to have died, Yuuki spends some time bonding with Zero, we find out Zero has a real grudge against Vampires… Lucky Zero! The Chairman decides to open up a Night class for Vampires! And basically that’s where the story begins. Yuuki and Zero, as they know about vampires are chosen to be prefects guarding the Day (Human) class against the Night (Vampire) Class. The Night class is closely run by Kaname, who is sweetly keeping an eye on Yuuki.

Most fans split off into ZEKI (ZeroXYuuki) Or KanameXYuuki… I guess KanameXZero is also a big group as well…

It’s a Shojo manga so yes it has it’s girly romance aspects to it, but it also has everything else you could want from a story… unless you are being really imaginative. The Manga is available or there is seasons 1&2 of the Anime, however, the Anime has a few changes to it and unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be getting any more seasons to continue on the journey 😦