The title might be confusing and that’s because I, myself, am confused. I’m being told I’ll feel better and yet I’m still waiting for this better state of mind to make it’s visit. It’s like waiting for the end of the world.
This is the first time depression as struck me badly since I started my new job 4 months ago so I’m scared of how to act and what to say. Will anyone notice that I’m different to how I usually am? I feel like curling up in a ball and doing nothing. This is what I did on Saturday and now I feel even worse because I wasted an entire day and didn’t go out for Cat’s birthday like we planned. It also doesn’t help that my endometriosis as flared up and I feel like my stomach is being ripped apart.
Everything’s built up and it’s hit me all at once like it always does. You’d think i’d be used to this sneak attack by now but I never ever learn. I feel better for a while and then slowly, ever so slowly, things go back to that deep dark place that I never seem to find a way out of. I feel bad for feeling that way and I feel so hopeless that I self harm. People still don’t understand that I feel better then. It helps until someone gives me a sad look which makes me feel pathetic. I really don’t need your looks of disgust. I need your help and support. I need someone to stand by me and NOT tell me everything will be okay. Don’t ever tell me that. It just makes you a liar and gives me false hope.
I was talking to my friend Tom who’s a doctor in Australia he’s helping me see a bit of light this time. He’s also helping me deal with my fear of applying to do a postgraduate degree. I’ve been thinking about it for sometime and feel I’m worthless so won’t be able to do it. I look at the application form and have a mini panic attack. My mind tells me I won’t be able to handle it and my depression will make it even worse. I’m actually excited to get doing something and be occupied by studying again. I just have to find appropriate references and hope for the best.
This is what depression does to me. I’m worthless, petty and pathetic. A lot of the time I feel useless and sometimes when I don’t grasp something new I feel like I’ll never get it. I know we all feel like this at times but imagine feeling like this most of the week. Then add nervousness in to the mix. It’s true folks, Natalie is a wreck.
I will feel better soon but until then I need to push myself to fill out those forms and try not to worry about the small things. I also need to move off the sofa else there’ll be an imprint of me there forever and I’m running out of tv to watch.