Late Night Ramblings of a vampire diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder

It’s been over a year but a lot has been happening. My diagnosis list has increased I have Fibromyalgia and now Borderline Personality Disorder to add to the list!

So, a lot of you know I have Bipolar disorder but also this year I was told I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well… so basically my brain has decided to learn how to make me have more mood swings with a crippling amount of self-doubt.

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Another name for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To be honest, I had to find out that the disorder was called BPD on the internet when I got home as the psychiatrist kept referring to me as having emotionally unstable disorder. To say I was annoyed, probably proved her point as I was in tears along with secretly wanting to storm out of the room. I had only gone to these appointments to get my bipolar reviewed (I even created a mood chart and I felt like that had been ignored)

BPD8            I guess I was in denial… well come on, someone telling you, you are emotionally
unstable is a big thing. Plus, also in the
same appointment the psychiatrist also brought up the thought she thinks I might be autistic. I was feeling low that day and she was concerned I had made hardly any eye contact… I guess in her mind she saw another diagnosis whereas, I just saw that I wasn’t feeling up enough to look at people, which is actually a symptom of depression.

My BPD comes from my childhood and early adolescence, I admitted to the psychiatrist I had a crap one, with all the bullying and abuse I went through. So, it’s not like, this forBPD6 me anyway, this is a chemical imbalance. I have learned to react these ways. This means, more therapy for me!.. Considering I’ve been through Mindfulness twice and a type of CBT twice I have to use sarcasm when it comes to the prospect of me going through more therapy, I’m getting signed up for DBT next. Truthfully, I’m not even sure what I’ll be like if they manage to sort out my BPD. It’s a symptom of BPD you are unsure of who you are and with my bipolar on top of that I’m all over the place. It feels as if no one knows the real me, I dissociate a lot the world becomes unreal or I start to think I’m a different person.

I’m coming more to terms with the diagnosis now noticing things which tick the boxes. Sort of like, abandonment issues? Tick that box as I’m always figuring that people are going to leave me behind, friends are harder to keep with me and it’s harder to make friends as tBPD1he thought they are thinking negatively towards me always appears. Like a few weeks ago, there was this woman who stared at me in what I thought was a glare, so automatically I had a breakdown, thinking that now everyone in that area was against me and hated me. That’s what it’s like with BPD, it’s black and white relationships, you’re either thinking people love you or people hate you. Also, there’s the self-doubt, the feeling of worthlessness. It doesn’t take a lot to set that off, unlike my bipolar where my mood takes weeks to change, with BPD my mood could change in seconds and with the bipolar it could make that worse.

What does it mean to have bipolar and BPD? Well, it will be different for everyone. With me though it means my moods could be worse and last longer. I’m already, “Emotionally unstable.” People with BPD often feel emotions more intensely and I mean intense you can go from feeling empty, lonely and the lowest of low to the hiBPD3ghest high where you believe everyone loves you. The anger can be destructive, destroying relationships or anything in your path, you can scream your heart out in frustration punch walls until you’re in pain. Unlike bipolar which works in cycles, it will just take one
little thing and my mood could change, like I said one stare and I can become depressed. One person not showing interest can leave you feeling unloved. With bipolar in the mix it means sometimes my moods will last longer, BPD can be a trigger. There can be normal days but it is easy to trigger a mood or a thought, like the diagnosis states it is an unstable disorder.

BPD4            There’s a lot of complex feelings and thoughts that come with Borderline Personality disorder that I’m now just discovering. There are things about me that I just thought were part of my weirdness when actually it’s part of the disorder. Turns out not everyone feels the need to blame themselves for every little thing. Relationships can be hard with BPD, with me it’s hard to ask for help. I automatically want to push people away when my mood goes low, I suddenly become this burden on others, which then triggers the suicidal thoughts. I did reach a milestone about a month ago actually asking for help without my support workers support so I guess that’s something. There’s a constant darkness of not wanting to live my mind bringing forward harmful or embarrassing memories that can trigger me.

BPD5

Anyway, that’s enough of my ramblings hopefully I’ll get back to writing more frequently!

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Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Who Wants To Talk About Depression

Well. I wanted to write something and now I’m here I don’t quite know what to say.d6a105b7142ac8c95e47de3c89b541ac I’m fed up and slowly destroying myself at the moment. I don’t quite know what to say when someone talks to me and yet afterwards I think of the perfect thing to say; I’m down and hurting and I want it to stop. I find it hard to talk, writing is much easier for me but many people don’t understand this. When I write I can separate myself from everything. I can tell myself no one will ever see this or the people who will see it I’ll never ever see or they’ll be that afraid by what I’ve written they won’t say anything to me. Either way I don’t mind. It’s just nice to vent and get it all out there every so often.

At the moment I’m in hell. I feel like a zombie, I don’t care for anything and don’t care to do anything either. I had a job interview and an assessment for a job that was shocking and I’d never do even if I was jobless. Because I’m not feeling great this has knocked me back a bit more. I feel like, at the moment, I can’t try to fix myself because I want to help fix my sister who’s currently in a psychiatric ward. As you all know she’s bipolar and she’s in there to help herself. She’ll be doing well with the right help and the right environment around her but I miss her a lot. I don’t want to burden my mum about my problems because I know she’s worried about Cat. She goes every day after work and visits her for a while. What rights do I have to put my problems on her? I should be helping so I put a smile on my face and get on with it even though inside I’m slowly giving up.

ADTWO40alt

This is exactly what it’s like. c. Hyperbole and a Half

 

I admit now that I suffer from depression. I don’t have it all the time but every so often it sneaks up on me and tries to make me give up. It tries to hurt me, my family and those I love around me and this makes me feel worse.
70d7f75664505bd1bee163ac20c2c08aMental Health still has a stigma in this country and I think that’s made me deny having depression for a while. I self harm but I always made it sound like a normal problem yet it is linked to my depression. I don’t want people to automatically think “oh she’s the one with depression” or “she needs to snap out of it.” People with mental health problems hate this. We really are no different to you in most ways. If I could just stop self harming don’t you think I would? Do you really think I like all the sympathetic and sad looks I get when someone sees a plaster or the cuts on my arms? For Gods sake I’m 24 and I don’t feel in control of my life! I feel like I’ll never be right according to what you think is right. I can be happy and then I get paranoid and afraid that someone will see my mask slipping, they’ll see the ugly side of me. It’s so tiring keeping the happy “yeah I’m okay” mask on all the time. But making people understand is even worse.

We are people too. Just remember that. Some of us need extra help and some of us need help and time just admitting that we need extra help. Sometime soon I might be brave enough to let my mask slip completely but for now I need to stay strong for my sister and for those of us going through a tough time. Most of all I need to stay strong for myself because who else will do it for me?

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News- Mental health job support scheme piloted

 

Another government idea and it’s to do with Mental Health!!DOTD Fes1

Let’s get those earning (employment support allowance) ESA back into work!

SarcasmOk, at the moment this is just apparently in it’s “Idea,” Stages, but as someone earning ESA for mental health issues. I’m really questioning if the people who have come up with this have really thought it through.

For those who don’t know or need this explaining, here in the UK there are two main benefits for the unemployed.

Jobseekers Allowance – those who are, “Supposedly,” active and looking for work- although many people will argue they aren’t looking for work, these people get about £50 a week but lots of them have to follow rules such as show evidence they are looking for work. The trick is though, the evidence needed is just writing some nonsense on a piece of paper and showing it to an advisor every 2 weeks when you go for your money (or that was the trick in my local job centre when I went)

and

ESA- these people are classed as, “Too sick,” to work, it can be for physical or mental illness but you do need a doctor to agree that you are too sick, you get a sick note and the government do a lot of blah de blah sorting stuff.

 

One thing I find annoying is this idea is taking some people who it is said can’t work and putting them in an environment they might not be ready for but ignoring these people who are signing up for Jobseekers and supposedly want to work.

The main mental illnesses the government want to target are Anxiety and Depression….

I’d love to see the overall plan for this because I’m sure someone in the government has this idea in their head that, people with mental illness just need one therapy session then they’ll be completely mentally healthy

Benidict CWake up call! 

It doesn’t work like that.

It can take years for therapy to work. Even if you have “Caught the illness in an early stage.” (anyone else think that makes it sound like cancer?) it doesn’t mean throwing them into work is the right decision.

 

Reality, it took me 3 years of therapy to realise I wasn’t healthy enough to work.

The idea of talking therapies is to get the patient to realise what is best for them, not what is best for the government’s spending.

Rushing people into talking therapies doesn’t work either.

-If people aren’t ready to talk, that may end up being therapy wasted,

in this case

Will the government punish the person (take the money off of them) if they don’t comply with the therapy?

-If the therapy time is too short, this could leave a person worse- think of it you’ve just brought up memories you’ve hidden for a long time or just had the confidence to talk about them then that, “Support” Which was there and you could talk to is gone, then you are expected to go into a stress of a job.

 

ForkSure, there are times where I think, “Oh I could work,” However, I’m sure many mental health patients will agree with this, what you think one day can be completely different to what you think the next. Because I know that thought of, “I could work.” Is just a one day thing- also a manic thing because me saying I can work is often referring to impossible jobs such as being Wonder Woman.

My conditions would mean me keeping a job would be hard as I’ll be swinging off the roof and being reckless one moment and if they don’t fire me around that point there is a chance I’d be on the roof threatening to jump the next.

 

As they are targeting anxiety-

Morning

Imagine waking up, you need to go to work, your gut feels like it’s twisted and the thought that something bad is going to happen won’t leave your head.

AnxietyThe idea of Fight or flight  is running through you, you want to run and hide from the world but at the same time you feel as if you are in a battle waiting for someone to pounce out and attack you. Although a therapist has told you nothing will happen to you, you still have the urge to cower under the duvet, while your body is waiting for an attack.

Somehow you do manage to get up and dressed- although you may not look your best as you were rushed to get dressed- the idea something bad will happen soon turns into the thought that everyone is looking at you and laughing at you. Throughout the day you are constantly plagued by paranoid thoughts, you avoid everyone (which is a problem in most jobs)

This continues, even worsens throughout the day. This is just one of the many things a person with anxiety could feel.

 

I don’t think the government see that most of these people with Mental Illness on ESA might be on it for a reason.

Depression isn’t just the person is feeling sad

Anxiety isn’t just that the person is feeling scared.

If some people want to go back to work, I say go for it, but I think if the government want to see about saving money they should look into the people who can work first. Dalek emotional

With ESA (especially with this idea) there are two groups people can be placed into. One of the groups I was actually terrified I’d be placed into, the “Work-Related group,” Involves regular interviews which if you don’t turn up to they can defer your benefit  and you can only be in this group for a year before you go into work or back on job seekers.

My anxiety levels actually dropped when I found I had been put into the, “Support group.” where you don’t have to go to those interviews.

This new idea apparently people will have to go through an interview.

Dear person who came up with this idea. Telling someone with anxiety that they have to go for an interview, which could effect their life, really not a good idea. Signed anxiety patient.

 

With this idea, I’m not sure if the government realise how much money they will need to put into therapy, apparently there are 260,000 people on ESA for mental health issues. Now, add the wage of a therapist, the amount of time they will need to put in, there may also be the need for a support scheme, someone the person could contact for support if they feel like they are having issues looking for work or in work, there are lots of things to factor in.DP Madness

I’m sort of hoping this idea doesn’t become official as, I know loads of people who will be effected by it. I’m all for equality with mental health but at their own timings.

 

Late night ramblings of a -Manic Depressive- Vampire

Smiley Jello

I believe this jelly symbolises how I feel at the moment… Happy Jelly!

It’s been mentioned before I’m Bipolar. I’m not afraid to admit I’m bipolar, most people who know me guess there is something wrong anyway and I’m accepting enough to joke about it. I have a mental health condition not a sticker across my head which says, “Discriminate at will.”

Besides, I have something most of you don’t have- Moments of pure happiness and it doesn’t matter what happens in that time because nothing will get me down. Yeah I have super powers and that isn’t a delusion. Also I have the understanding on how bad people can feel. So, yes I am bipolar but I have the power of empathy without even walking out the front door.

Rant3

Right as I am currently in a Manic state this could seem like a puzzle, I could start off with one sentence and end up talking about something completely different, honestly in real life I can hold two conversations at once. It’s like these pictures you see associated with ADHD.

So, for the past year-ish- I have actually not really been taking medication, it wasn’t that they didn’t prescribe me any, it is just I didn’t take them because of the way they made me feel. I got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder around 2 years ago, I’ve been tried on two anti-psychotic medications. There have been a few hellish moments, when it was first discovered that I wasn’t taking my meds things blew up, but to be honest even if I had been taking my tablets things still would have gotten that bad because of the situation I had gotten into.

Dalek

I’ve learned that if I tell people who know I’m bipolar, I’m not taking the medication things actually stop for a moment. The most common reaction was one which related to, “Can you cope?” This concern suddenly comes out, the thing is though most of the time I was ok, I actually knew when to take my medication, ok it was only about once every 2-3 weeks but that was my way of coping.

I’m not sure if people have this overwhelming concern that if you are Bipolar and off medication, that you are going to suddenly decide to commit suicide or in a sudden aggressive manic state you’re going to go on a killing spree.  I tried explain to people I do know my own warning signs. The treatment plan for bipolar people is to recognise these, “Relapse signs.” I had spent numerous years before my diagnosis with bipolar, I hadn’t and still haven’t once tried to commit suicide and I’m not the type of person who will go on a murder spree- to be honest I hadn’t even gotten a detention in high school, so unless bipolar is something that only progresses to it’s full symptoms once a psychiatrist says the words, I think I’d be in a prison or at least have some warning or dead if I were to do those things.

The medication is there for the patient as well as the people around them. It seems mean, well I don’t read minds but I’m pretty sure most people would feel better- possibly even safer- if they knew that part of me was under control. There are a lot of treatment options. I got told yesterday that my bipolar is, “Complicated,” (Most bipolar people have a normal state in between mania and depressed states, mine progresses too quickly so I don’t really have that normal state- hence the psychiatric team really needed me back on medication) But that’s why medication which should have worked after I was diagnosed didn’t really work. So, the mission is to- again- find some medication that will make me feel better/not zombified and I will be willing to take and so people will feel safer as there is one less weird complicated bipolar girl out on the streets of Gotham!!!… Oh wait wrong town.

Before finally getting diagnosed, I actually had two other forms of treatment. Anti-depressants and counselling.

Now, because I was about 16, they put my mood swings down to normal adolescent things- never knew normal 16 year olds felt suicidal that much but hey, I ended up in counselling for low self-esteem issues and anger management issues.

Ramblings1

My reaction when I recall those treatments

One of the traits that often come with the Manic side of bipolar is, high self esteem and image, sometimes people start to believe they can do anything- one of the common things with me is that I say I want to do something I know I can’t, I often say when I’m in a manic state, I want to go swimming, now anyone who knows me will know I cannot swim and also I am terrified of deep water… Now, can you imagine what happens when you put some one in a manic state in low self-esteem counselling, where they tell you all your good traits etc?

Rant2

I got it at the wrong time, in my manic state I saw myself even better- only making jokes about how something could harm my self esteem, so something like a bad grade was just a joke.

With me, the counselling isn’t something that transferred onto all my moods, when it came to the lows, I regretted feeling and seeing myself that way, meaning I felt worse. Plus add on all the stresses of A-level exams and crap happening in home life… Truthfully, I can’t hide my hatred when counselling gets suggested to me, the place I got sent to (a small council thing) knocked down a lot of walls in my mind and the only reason I actually got discharged from the place was because I was going into a high state and they saw I was happy.

Another form of treatment that I had before the diagnosis, was something that shouldn’t have happened. I got put on Anti-Depressants. Short story, The time I was on them I was in a manic state. You shouldn’t put a bipolar person on anti-depressants with out something to bring the other side down. I remember dancing through Debenhams when I was on them…. To be honest, not much has changed only now when in a manic state I’m more likely to be singing Judy Garland songs or dancing to a song in Singin in the Rain.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when Eastenders first started to run the Bipolar story line- I don’t watch Eastenders, I just know they are running that story line again this time with the correct information. But when I was diagnosed about 95% of patients thinking they were Bipolar were going by what Eastenders was telling them, so most of them didn’t have Bipolar Disorder. Lucky me again, I found myself in a minority.

First official medication I got put on was Olanzapine, I got put in hospital for a week with this one!

Second one Quetiapine, I stopped taking this one because I found I worked better without it- But fun fact about Quetiapine, in the side effects list apparently one of the possible side effects is, “Unexpected death.”  At university I was a zombie Year One thanks to the Olanzapine, A semi-Zombie year 2 thanks to the Quetiapine and then all of a sudden my grades shot up and I was actually there for year 3 when I stopped taking the medication- only taking it when I felt like I needed it.  Both, these medications have heavy sedatives in them, I don’t remember much on the Olanzapine but I do have a record for sleeping over 16 hours one day on the Quetiapine and even when I was awake I wasn’t fully there… I usually only get 4 hours sleep on a good day without medication and can work most of that.

Yesterday, I was put on a new medication. Sodium Valproate. It’s a twice a day thing but so far me and it are not on good terms. Yesterday I was in a depressed mood, I ended up calling the Crisis Team (people who are there when patients get really bad) but around 20 hours later, my mood suddenly did a 180 and thanks to the meds as well I feel sick. Fun fact about these meds, it’s expected you will feel like you will be sick for the first few days on these tablets but if you actually throw up you need to go to hospital because these tablets can mess up your liver and send you into liver failure!

Benidict C

You need to love the medication people sometimes. Anyone else see the irony in the fact this medication is for people with mood problems possibly with anxiety to stop these symptoms but the tablets are also giving us symptoms of something that could probably kill us? Sort of like, “Oh this will get rid off all my troubles, I feel sick, but they said if I throw up it could be a sign of liver failure! I thought these tablets were going to get rid of this panic, not kill me! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!”…. And here’s me making up more conspiracies about the medication industry, if anyone wants to hear my conspiracy theory on asthma just ask.

Along with medication I also have to see a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) regularly (once every one or two weeks) she comes out and just gives me someone to talk to and also if things need seeing to she will highlight them in the meetings they have. So, just incase anyone thinks mental health patients are uncontrollable or are suicides waiting to happen, there are people there to stop it getting that far. There are various charities or even official NHS numbers people can call.

Mental Health Awareness

In the past month, possibly longer than that. I’m not entirely sure, I’m just happy this is happening.

I am doing this as part of a mental health pledge http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

The BBC- BBC Three- started a string of programmes highlighting mental health. To anyone who doesn’t know mental health sort of revolves around your mind, such as the way you think, only overall it is a much bigger picture. Think of it, you have a headache, that automatically doesn’t mean you have brain cancer . Like physical illness, anyone can become mentally ill, it’s not just certain people and no one chooses to be, depressed, schizophrenic etc. Again like physical illness no one chooses to have a mental disorder.

Insomnia By Nightmare Cat

Insomnia By Nightmare Cat

There are multiple mental illnesses- to name some, there is Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, Dissociative Identity Disorder (some may know this as Multiple Personality Disorder) Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Personality Disorders, Sleep Disorders. Well there is a lot.

In these illnesses, one person might not have the same symptoms as another person with that illness. Consider someone with Schizophrenia, now the image what comes with that illness is usually one of a person being crazy, listening to the voices in his or her head. Mental Health Awareness, is here to help people realise the picture is way bigger, for one most people with schizophrenia doesn’t act crazy, what people see in schizophrenia is the worst case scenario. And there are other symptoms other then hearing voices, some could have that and other symptoms, such as delusions or visual hallucinations or might not even hear voices at all.

Also, there are other illnesses where people can have hallucinations and delusions and not be Schizophrenic- So Please. Work on getting a mental health related degree before dishing out the diagnosis and crazy remarks!

Psychosis by Nightmare Cat

Psychosis by Nightmare Cat

Psychosis- When someone experiences Hallucinations and/or Delusions is a symptom that is also seen in disorders such as Bipolar and Schizoaffective. Plus even those under stress can be known to trigger a psychotic break.

Another assumption is that someone with a Mental illness cannot do things like a, “Normal,” Person. Now for you who think that, give a definition on what you think is normal. Plus consider, if you put away all the people with mental health issues, the amount of people on benefits would go up- and come on, majority of the UK population complain about those people who can work but don’t- Putting those with mental health problems in hospital will just cause the same problem, the NHS would have to care for said patients, and I’d like to think the human race have learned their lessons from the experiences patients went through in the first Bethlam, “Bedlam,” Asylum in the 1700’s, in the case of just leave them and experiment.

There are multiple people who have a mental illness who have achieved well in life, Van Gogh and Catherine Zeta Jones both have Bipolar disorder and are known. Everyone is known to suffer from anxiety sometimes, usually phobias are things there to keep the human race alive.

Anxiety by Nightmare Cat

Anxiety by Nightmare Cat

It’s hard to describe to someone who doesn’t experience and feel the way you feel. People can make assumptions, with these people saying over TV what they experience there is some hope that others will understand better. Charities like Mind and also the help the health care provides helps in time of need, underneath we are the same people you all probably know, there is no need to shy away. I think there is something wrong with the people who do distance themselves just because a person has a label/illness.

I’d consider myself lucky in one aspect. Truthfully 2/3 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar along with that I also have psychosis, derealisation, depersonalisation (this just means I think on occasions the world isn’t real and I’m not in control of my actions) and more recently I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety- run for the hills if you must with all these things, but I’ve

Dissociative disorder- the destructive personality- by Nightmare Cat

Dissociative disorder- the destructive personality- by Nightmare Cat

never pretended to be normal or blend in so it’s not one thing people can put against me. Now, the people I know have all stuck by me, we actually joke about it. People have asked, “What caused it?” Truthfully I put it back to my childhood/adolescence.

But it is hard to explain to others that the Bipolar thing isn’t just as simple as mood swings. Everyone has mood swings, us with Bipolar tend to have more… is Severe the right word? Mood Swings. The way I feel is that when I’m in the Manic (Really Really really happy) side of things I guess I could relate to myself when I’m drunk, it’s not just the mood thing that classes us as bipolar, it’s the actions too. Now this is where patients probably tend to differ. In a manic mood, some bipolar patients can become more chatty, confident, restless, thoughts become racing, it becomes hard to concentrate on one thing. It can become like one of those funny moments when you are having a conversation then all of a sudden you are distracted by a little thing. Some can be known to go on spending sprees. In the depressed side of things, things can start to slow down, self esteem and confidence become low, motivation to do anything gets drained out of you. It becomes hard because these moods can last weeks, it can become a cycle one fortnight you can be ready for doing anything the next the world sucks, life is hardly worth living. There can be a moment of normal mood. My experience of Bipolar, I actually find it hard to identify the normal moods. I started recognising there could be something wrong with my mood around five years ago, it took some years to finally admit the problem- when I nearly lost control due to anger, that’s when I waved the white flag. It also took some years to get a diagnosis. There can be a problem with diagnosing mood disorders in teenage years.

In the end, I have mental health conditions but it doesn’t make me less capable. I’m graduating from university, I have a book published, I consider myself good at art- well I have too having just finished an art degree- I’m happy with who I am plus I have a close group of friends who I wouldn’t loose for the world. The only people who say I’m not capable are the people who judge and possibly still see mental health conditions as this thing where the person is going to end up in a straight jacket in a padded cell. Personal experience at the job centre, I admitted I was bipolar and straight after the woman was suggesting I see the guy who helps people who won’t be able to keep a job. There are mental health charities such as Samaritans, Mind plus health providers who are here to help anyone suffering or who have concerns about mental health. They won’t judge, everyone will probably have an experience of depression or something.

Here’s to Mental Health Awareness and hoping people start to see insanity doesn’t come with with every mental illness!

Mind

To sign the mental health pledge to promote awareness-  http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

For more information about Mind (An- in my opinion awesome- Mental Health Charity) http://www.mind.org.uk

My Art Website (Yay self promoting) As I am currently doing a project looking at mental health- I’ve used some pictures in this post- www.Nightmarecat.co.uk