Late Night Ramblings of a vampire diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder

It’s been over a year but a lot has been happening. My diagnosis list has increased I have Fibromyalgia and now Borderline Personality Disorder to add to the list!

So, a lot of you know I have Bipolar disorder but also this year I was told I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well… so basically my brain has decided to learn how to make me have more mood swings with a crippling amount of self-doubt.

BPD7
Another name for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To be honest, I had to find out that the disorder was called BPD on the internet when I got home as the psychiatrist kept referring to me as having emotionally unstable disorder. To say I was annoyed, probably proved her point as I was in tears along with secretly wanting to storm out of the room. I had only gone to these appointments to get my bipolar reviewed (I even created a mood chart and I felt like that had been ignored)

BPD8            I guess I was in denial… well come on, someone telling you, you are emotionally
unstable is a big thing. Plus, also in the
same appointment the psychiatrist also brought up the thought she thinks I might be autistic. I was feeling low that day and she was concerned I had made hardly any eye contact… I guess in her mind she saw another diagnosis whereas, I just saw that I wasn’t feeling up enough to look at people, which is actually a symptom of depression.

My BPD comes from my childhood and early adolescence, I admitted to the psychiatrist I had a crap one, with all the bullying and abuse I went through. So, it’s not like, this forBPD6 me anyway, this is a chemical imbalance. I have learned to react these ways. This means, more therapy for me!.. Considering I’ve been through Mindfulness twice and a type of CBT twice I have to use sarcasm when it comes to the prospect of me going through more therapy, I’m getting signed up for DBT next. Truthfully, I’m not even sure what I’ll be like if they manage to sort out my BPD. It’s a symptom of BPD you are unsure of who you are and with my bipolar on top of that I’m all over the place. It feels as if no one knows the real me, I dissociate a lot the world becomes unreal or I start to think I’m a different person.

I’m coming more to terms with the diagnosis now noticing things which tick the boxes. Sort of like, abandonment issues? Tick that box as I’m always figuring that people are going to leave me behind, friends are harder to keep with me and it’s harder to make friends as tBPD1he thought they are thinking negatively towards me always appears. Like a few weeks ago, there was this woman who stared at me in what I thought was a glare, so automatically I had a breakdown, thinking that now everyone in that area was against me and hated me. That’s what it’s like with BPD, it’s black and white relationships, you’re either thinking people love you or people hate you. Also, there’s the self-doubt, the feeling of worthlessness. It doesn’t take a lot to set that off, unlike my bipolar where my mood takes weeks to change, with BPD my mood could change in seconds and with the bipolar it could make that worse.

What does it mean to have bipolar and BPD? Well, it will be different for everyone. With me though it means my moods could be worse and last longer. I’m already, “Emotionally unstable.” People with BPD often feel emotions more intensely and I mean intense you can go from feeling empty, lonely and the lowest of low to the hiBPD3ghest high where you believe everyone loves you. The anger can be destructive, destroying relationships or anything in your path, you can scream your heart out in frustration punch walls until you’re in pain. Unlike bipolar which works in cycles, it will just take one
little thing and my mood could change, like I said one stare and I can become depressed. One person not showing interest can leave you feeling unloved. With bipolar in the mix it means sometimes my moods will last longer, BPD can be a trigger. There can be normal days but it is easy to trigger a mood or a thought, like the diagnosis states it is an unstable disorder.

BPD4            There’s a lot of complex feelings and thoughts that come with Borderline Personality disorder that I’m now just discovering. There are things about me that I just thought were part of my weirdness when actually it’s part of the disorder. Turns out not everyone feels the need to blame themselves for every little thing. Relationships can be hard with BPD, with me it’s hard to ask for help. I automatically want to push people away when my mood goes low, I suddenly become this burden on others, which then triggers the suicidal thoughts. I did reach a milestone about a month ago actually asking for help without my support workers support so I guess that’s something. There’s a constant darkness of not wanting to live my mind bringing forward harmful or embarrassing memories that can trigger me.

BPD5

Anyway, that’s enough of my ramblings hopefully I’ll get back to writing more frequently!

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Late Night Ramblings of a Girl who’s struggling to cope. Again.

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I’ve been doing pretty well with my depression and anxiety. I know I’m doing well because I myself feel brilliant. I feel like a completely different person. In the past 6 months I’ve changed jobs met new colleagues who’ve become friends. Come to like the job I’m doing and actually feel comfortable in what I do. I’ve been offered jobs and had no anxieties about turning them down. It’s been excellent.

Then I lost one of my permanent journalism jobs. Which in turn led to me not having enough money to go for the house I want. I also realised that this time last year i spent every waking, and in some cases every sleeping, hour in a hospital watching my best friend die.

Yeah. In 2 days I turn 25 but in 8 days Jess will have been gone a year.

This is destroying me. I can’t help it and I don’t really want it to stop but it’s making me a completely different person to who I’ve been for the past 6 months. It’s made me feel like a fake because the new friends I have where I work really don’t know anything about me. I’m now anxious all the time that it’ll somehow make them hate me or see me as weak. I’m paranoid that i’ll be watched closely because something might trigger me to be sad.

Monsters

The friend I spoke to about all this isn’t here anymore and I haven’t seen my counsellor in 6 months because silly me thought ‘hey new job, new me. I can totally pull all this off!’ I was so wrong it hurts. I haven’t felt like this in years. Before it’s always felt like something I can snap out of, this feels like it’s here for much longer. Mixing depression, anxiety and heartache together is a stellar combination and one which I don’t think I’ll come out of unscathed. I’m at the point where someone says the wrong thing and I feel like crying. I can’t handle a situation at work and I go all quiet and retreat into my little dark place where no one can hurt me but on the outside I’m basically blank and ignoring you. Not good in a customer based environment.

As it get’s closer to Jess’ anniversary I think I’ll get worse. At the moment I get teary eyed when her favourite songs come on and I’m having 2am conversations with another of our friends. It’s bizarre but it’s how it’s all playing out.

In the end I’m stuck with depression and anxiety. I just wish I had a warning system for when it’s going to strike and how bad it’s going to be because let’s face it thinking everyone is looking at you and you have no idea why isn’t the best way to go about your day.

Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Who Wants To Talk About Depression

Well. I wanted to write something and now I’m here I don’t quite know what to say.d6a105b7142ac8c95e47de3c89b541ac I’m fed up and slowly destroying myself at the moment. I don’t quite know what to say when someone talks to me and yet afterwards I think of the perfect thing to say; I’m down and hurting and I want it to stop. I find it hard to talk, writing is much easier for me but many people don’t understand this. When I write I can separate myself from everything. I can tell myself no one will ever see this or the people who will see it I’ll never ever see or they’ll be that afraid by what I’ve written they won’t say anything to me. Either way I don’t mind. It’s just nice to vent and get it all out there every so often.

At the moment I’m in hell. I feel like a zombie, I don’t care for anything and don’t care to do anything either. I had a job interview and an assessment for a job that was shocking and I’d never do even if I was jobless. Because I’m not feeling great this has knocked me back a bit more. I feel like, at the moment, I can’t try to fix myself because I want to help fix my sister who’s currently in a psychiatric ward. As you all know she’s bipolar and she’s in there to help herself. She’ll be doing well with the right help and the right environment around her but I miss her a lot. I don’t want to burden my mum about my problems because I know she’s worried about Cat. She goes every day after work and visits her for a while. What rights do I have to put my problems on her? I should be helping so I put a smile on my face and get on with it even though inside I’m slowly giving up.

ADTWO40alt

This is exactly what it’s like. c. Hyperbole and a Half

 

I admit now that I suffer from depression. I don’t have it all the time but every so often it sneaks up on me and tries to make me give up. It tries to hurt me, my family and those I love around me and this makes me feel worse.
70d7f75664505bd1bee163ac20c2c08aMental Health still has a stigma in this country and I think that’s made me deny having depression for a while. I self harm but I always made it sound like a normal problem yet it is linked to my depression. I don’t want people to automatically think “oh she’s the one with depression” or “she needs to snap out of it.” People with mental health problems hate this. We really are no different to you in most ways. If I could just stop self harming don’t you think I would? Do you really think I like all the sympathetic and sad looks I get when someone sees a plaster or the cuts on my arms? For Gods sake I’m 24 and I don’t feel in control of my life! I feel like I’ll never be right according to what you think is right. I can be happy and then I get paranoid and afraid that someone will see my mask slipping, they’ll see the ugly side of me. It’s so tiring keeping the happy “yeah I’m okay” mask on all the time. But making people understand is even worse.

We are people too. Just remember that. Some of us need extra help and some of us need help and time just admitting that we need extra help. Sometime soon I might be brave enough to let my mask slip completely but for now I need to stay strong for my sister and for those of us going through a tough time. Most of all I need to stay strong for myself because who else will do it for me?

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World Mental Health day- Late Night Ramblings of a vampire who’s been to a mental hospital

Shot hope1

Talk like a Pirate day, (for those of you who need educating, that’s the 19th of September) I ended up in hospital for mental health reasons. I decided this World mental health day (Well the night before W.M.H.D), while freezing my hands off writDW headbanging this thanks to the cold nights, having to stop in my parents conservatory and I can’t find my gloves to go under this quilt (they came to the conclusion me stopping with them was a good idea, it may be a good idea but in the conservatory in the middle of winter, I’m on anti-psychotics so those penguins must be real). But I decided I’d have a go at telling my experience at stopping 17 long and frankly boring days. I did mention before leaving that with all the waiting we had to do no wonder people in there were going crazy; also I’d go crazy just with lack of things to do.

 

I didn’t end up in there fMonstersor pushing too many people off planks or going insane and over dosing on Krispy Kreme’s offer where you got a free donut if you showed up dressed like a pirate, looking back though they, especially the latter, might have been a good option. I didn’t get properly hospitalised till the Sunday (Talk like a Pirate day was on Friday). In these hospital trips I had to spend about 6 hours in a waiting room, which yes I know for some people 6 hours is nothing, trust me been there when I had a broken nose, but it could seem like eternity. Especially when you have creepy people coming in and out, injured Sunday footballers coming in with probably nothing more than a sprained ankle and a family you swear was the Spanish mob, and that’s just what was happening outside of me.

It’s hard to explain to those healthy people, but imagine you are in severe pain. Try distracting yourself from it, now on that weekend that’s sort of what I was feeling. Just not physical pain, you can easily walk into an A&E screaming in pain telling them what’s hurting, my pain I couldn’t exactly pin point. Bipolar you have highs and lows, my low was at an all time and if that wasn’t bad enough I had an hallucination voice that was a female constantly screaming in pain in my head, I had told a therapist later that I could imagine a woman burning, now I don’t know if that’s just because I’m a Supernatural fan and my mind was reminding me of the first episode of season one or what but it was horrible.

Another thing what is hard to explain to people is how I saw myself during those times… The Fault in our Stars quote, “I’m a Grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimise the casualties, okay?” That’s basically it, I know seeing a mental health patient compare herself to a terminally ill cancer patient is strange and to some people wrong but that’s how I see it, it’s why I sympathise with Hazel so much. I may not have a tumour killing me but there are days were I see my mental illness as the grenade and the statistics haunt me. Being Bipolar, there is a 50% it will kill me (well statistics say I will kill myself but it will probably be the bipolar that caused that). The medication just becomes something that is keeping you alive, with out it the illness will take over, so when it feels like the illness is taking over with out the medication, the right thing is to take more right?

Infecting

 

I over took medication, that’s the reason I was told to go to A&E. I didn’t overdose. There is a difference. For me to have overdose I’d have had to have taken a certain amount, I was close to taking it but I’d have to have taken 1 or 2 more tablets,Numbed also there would have had to be suicide in mind.

With the severe pain thing in mind, I just wanted things to stop, for the world to stop, for what I was hearing and feeling to stop. I took the first lot of tablets that didn’t stop anything that I was feeling so I took another lot a few hours after and then another lot after, meaning I took about 6 tablets. It was the doctors on Sunday that wouldn’t let me home deeming it would be a risk putting me anywhere I had access to medication.

When they hospitalise you they can do two things, well in my case three but we had done the 3rd before but that after a week I was hitting my head against a wall- and in that place I was allowed my MacBook. 2 things they can do- informal admittance or sectioning (which means you get some of your rights taken away) My case I was an informal admittance, meaning I chose to go into hospital, although I didn’t want to stop in for that long and I soon started to wonder why I had chose to go in the first place. If they had told me in that little room in A&E were I stared mostly into corners trying to keep up with the constant stream of, “What do you want to do?” that I’d be subjected to a timetable that was carved in stone, no laptops or expensive electronics and chargers had to be given in and if you wanted your phone charging you had to give your phone to the office? I may have gone for the place that made me want to bash my head in. (This is the reason I found my time there insanely boring once I started to get better I live by my MacBook)

When I got there- via taxi, massive issue considering I have a fear of taxis so another question they had to keep asking me was, “Will I jump out?”- It was scary; the whole world got squashed into this ward. It has two small gardens- one that was full of smokers, the other one I used just to get away from people. They occasionally wondered out there too, public spaces, go figure… I got my own room with a plastic mattress and even a plastic covered duvet. Guess what? The walls weren’t padded and there were no straight jackets! Sorry to disappoint you but they don’t use straight jackets anymore… also I found out on my second week there that the staff won’t had out mallets and tranquiliser guns.

As I arrived at night I didn’t get to meet many people till the next day.

Fear yourself

At breakfast it became evident it was sort of like school, 5 circular tables full of different people. The people you sat with were the people you soon came close too and sat with every day, even though it took a few days for the relationship to get to a social level, for before that point it was mostly eye contact. For me one of the first conversations I had with a patient I had was with a woman who came in about the same time as me and the conversation was about her teddy bear, that she came in hugging… she was discharged before me so she happily laughed while I grumbled about how life wasn’t fair. It was hard to see how a woman who looked scared of her own shadow could have been in a better state than me. I have to admit I was also a bit peed off that she came in with a teddy and I hadn’t come in with something to hug- that was corrected the next day though with a cuddly squirrel.

People were in here for different reasons, some were more evident then others, one lady I made friends with was just in there for holiday. No idea why you’d want to go in there for a holiday, but then if you are happy with watching daytime tv aHallucinationsnd having a strict regime with (not so good) meals, it’s the ideal place for you! If you crossed a person who was talking to themselves looking distant, chances are they were in for mental health. There were also people in this ward in for rehab, so chances are they could disappear as they went into withdrawal. There was one case waiting in the line to get medication where one of the patients was asking another to go to the shop to get him some beer. Thankfully, it didn’t end in violence, although striking up a fight in front of a room full of staff with medication unless you had a low IQ that’s not a good idea.

One thing I loved was the staff. It wasn’t all cooed voices, caring too much; thankfully they treated us like real people. Things I hated, I think I mentioned this 3 times already the timetable. There were 3 and ½ meal times and 4 drink times. For a place that people were supposed to remain calm and sane in, they promoted a lot of caffeine, offering tea and coffee at every meal time and drink time. I did start making a theory that the amount of caffeine through the day was to keep patients awake just due to the amount of medication that had the side effect of tiredness.

  • 8.30 Breakfast (meaning you had to be up before and dressed- difficult thing to do if you are used to getting up at 10, very high quality breakfast every day you have the choice between cereal and toast… there is a lot of toast in this place, if there is a bread shortage this place will go down in flames.)
  • 9am- Morning medication (Also if you weren’t up by this time you’d be woken up by staff. This is where you got a catch up on the latest gossip as you cued outside the treatment room… then you silently cursed if someone was in front of you had to go in and have a full work up- blood pressure readings done etc)
  • 10am Morning drink (A.K.A The first official caffeine dosage, well breakfast counted to properly waking me up this was an added extra)
  • 12pm Lunch (Hospital yumminess *Sarcasm*)
  • 3pm afternoon drink
  • 5pm dinner
  • 8pm evening drink + supper (A.K.A Hot Chocolate Tiiiime)
  • 9.30 pm nighttime drink
  • 10pm night time drug time (If you had sleeping tablets or like me the boringness of your day tired you out you were asleep shortly after this.)

 

Ok I know this wasn’t a hotel, holiday experience but I told my GP (Not the psychiatrist he’d have kept me in if I told him this)- the same one I told I’d rather rip out my ovaries than have kids so she knew how troubled my mind was- I wouldn’t plan to go back. The fact I nearly told one of the patients who I had a theory was in there due to mood issues that this wasn’t a hotel when she started using colourful language about being woken up. It wasn’t all bad either for patients like me I could go out after seeing one of the nurses just as long as I gave details on where I was going and when I’d be back, in simple terms the staff there were like over protective parents. You had to call them if something went wrong blah, blah, blah.

Light

It did its job I’m now in a better state than what I had been- I even got to the state where I was actually begging to be discharged. It was pointed out to me though, although being happy would get me points, I was bipolar so if I over acted it they’d assume I was going manic (Ultra happy) and I’d be kept in. So, if you ever ended up like I did in hospital, take all the advice you can get, even some from the patients who have been there what to them feels like years- one woman had been in and out of their for 20 years, I think I would have snapped at the 1 month point and ended up on a more secure ward so 20 years? That woman deserves a medal or something… happy sticker maybe?

Art work seen in this post is some of mine what I did in the ward (rest of my art work available on www.nightmarecat.co.uk– weirdly I plastic bags and cables were not allowed in the ward but I was allowed to keep pens and pencils… still trying to figure that one out… 

 

News- Mental health job support scheme piloted

 

Another government idea and it’s to do with Mental Health!!DOTD Fes1

Let’s get those earning (employment support allowance) ESA back into work!

SarcasmOk, at the moment this is just apparently in it’s “Idea,” Stages, but as someone earning ESA for mental health issues. I’m really questioning if the people who have come up with this have really thought it through.

For those who don’t know or need this explaining, here in the UK there are two main benefits for the unemployed.

Jobseekers Allowance – those who are, “Supposedly,” active and looking for work- although many people will argue they aren’t looking for work, these people get about £50 a week but lots of them have to follow rules such as show evidence they are looking for work. The trick is though, the evidence needed is just writing some nonsense on a piece of paper and showing it to an advisor every 2 weeks when you go for your money (or that was the trick in my local job centre when I went)

and

ESA- these people are classed as, “Too sick,” to work, it can be for physical or mental illness but you do need a doctor to agree that you are too sick, you get a sick note and the government do a lot of blah de blah sorting stuff.

 

One thing I find annoying is this idea is taking some people who it is said can’t work and putting them in an environment they might not be ready for but ignoring these people who are signing up for Jobseekers and supposedly want to work.

The main mental illnesses the government want to target are Anxiety and Depression….

I’d love to see the overall plan for this because I’m sure someone in the government has this idea in their head that, people with mental illness just need one therapy session then they’ll be completely mentally healthy

Benidict CWake up call! 

It doesn’t work like that.

It can take years for therapy to work. Even if you have “Caught the illness in an early stage.” (anyone else think that makes it sound like cancer?) it doesn’t mean throwing them into work is the right decision.

 

Reality, it took me 3 years of therapy to realise I wasn’t healthy enough to work.

The idea of talking therapies is to get the patient to realise what is best for them, not what is best for the government’s spending.

Rushing people into talking therapies doesn’t work either.

-If people aren’t ready to talk, that may end up being therapy wasted,

in this case

Will the government punish the person (take the money off of them) if they don’t comply with the therapy?

-If the therapy time is too short, this could leave a person worse- think of it you’ve just brought up memories you’ve hidden for a long time or just had the confidence to talk about them then that, “Support” Which was there and you could talk to is gone, then you are expected to go into a stress of a job.

 

ForkSure, there are times where I think, “Oh I could work,” However, I’m sure many mental health patients will agree with this, what you think one day can be completely different to what you think the next. Because I know that thought of, “I could work.” Is just a one day thing- also a manic thing because me saying I can work is often referring to impossible jobs such as being Wonder Woman.

My conditions would mean me keeping a job would be hard as I’ll be swinging off the roof and being reckless one moment and if they don’t fire me around that point there is a chance I’d be on the roof threatening to jump the next.

 

As they are targeting anxiety-

Morning

Imagine waking up, you need to go to work, your gut feels like it’s twisted and the thought that something bad is going to happen won’t leave your head.

AnxietyThe idea of Fight or flight  is running through you, you want to run and hide from the world but at the same time you feel as if you are in a battle waiting for someone to pounce out and attack you. Although a therapist has told you nothing will happen to you, you still have the urge to cower under the duvet, while your body is waiting for an attack.

Somehow you do manage to get up and dressed- although you may not look your best as you were rushed to get dressed- the idea something bad will happen soon turns into the thought that everyone is looking at you and laughing at you. Throughout the day you are constantly plagued by paranoid thoughts, you avoid everyone (which is a problem in most jobs)

This continues, even worsens throughout the day. This is just one of the many things a person with anxiety could feel.

 

I don’t think the government see that most of these people with Mental Illness on ESA might be on it for a reason.

Depression isn’t just the person is feeling sad

Anxiety isn’t just that the person is feeling scared.

If some people want to go back to work, I say go for it, but I think if the government want to see about saving money they should look into the people who can work first. Dalek emotional

With ESA (especially with this idea) there are two groups people can be placed into. One of the groups I was actually terrified I’d be placed into, the “Work-Related group,” Involves regular interviews which if you don’t turn up to they can defer your benefit  and you can only be in this group for a year before you go into work or back on job seekers.

My anxiety levels actually dropped when I found I had been put into the, “Support group.” where you don’t have to go to those interviews.

This new idea apparently people will have to go through an interview.

Dear person who came up with this idea. Telling someone with anxiety that they have to go for an interview, which could effect their life, really not a good idea. Signed anxiety patient.

 

With this idea, I’m not sure if the government realise how much money they will need to put into therapy, apparently there are 260,000 people on ESA for mental health issues. Now, add the wage of a therapist, the amount of time they will need to put in, there may also be the need for a support scheme, someone the person could contact for support if they feel like they are having issues looking for work or in work, there are lots of things to factor in.DP Madness

I’m sort of hoping this idea doesn’t become official as, I know loads of people who will be effected by it. I’m all for equality with mental health but at their own timings.

 

Late night ramblings of a girl who’s been told to take anti-depressants.

My day was shocking. How was yours? Every 4 weeks I have to go see this really nice lady at Mind about my self harming issues. She’s helped me loads and really supports me and what I sometimes go through. Today … Continue reading