Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Six Weeks After

Six weeks ago today Jess died. You might remember reading the post I wrote on that day. In it I mention that she left me a letter. I’ve read and re-read that letter so many times and it’s only in the past few days I’ve felt like writing her a response. I actually went to visit her grave and read her my letter and the only other place I feel I should put it is on here for you guys to read.

One of the reasons I feel I should put it on here is because people keep asking me if I’m okay and how I feel now she’s gone. The letter should explain everything. I’m sure she’d think so.

Dear Jess.

Like you I’m having problems putting into words what I want to say to you. I bet your letter to me didn’t take six weeks to write. Mine has actually taken this long because I hated you so much for a time that I felt you didn’t deserve a response. I was furious that you’d left me, then even more so when people were calling me selfish and nasty for hating you even though you’d died. Liam called you a selfish cow and I laughed so much I broke down and cried for the first time since you’d died. I probably hated you for that too. You left me when I still needed you. In fact I will always need you. I sometimes cry when I think about you, don’t worry sometimes they’re happy tears.

Six weeks ago you broke my heart. You held my hand until the end and yet I still get shivers when I think of that moment. You were there and then you weren’t. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone but the way it changed you haunts me. Seeing up close how it changed and twisted you makes me realise how strong you were to keep smiling, playing jokes and watching Disney films. You, Doll, were the strength behind us all. I’ll never forget when they found candy floss under your bed and Mars bars under your pillows when they banned you from sugar. We laughed so much after.

You can’t say you hope your death won’t change me. You know I don’t have many true friends but I’m now scared of them dying on me. First Ben and then you. I hated that doctor who told us you had 12 months to live and then 2 months later said you’d be lucky to last the week. Your death has probably changed me for the better. I always think of you and push myself more because of you. You won’t have the opportunities I have. Obviously I’ll mess up but then someone says “Jess would be proud of you” and it makes me smile. My life was falling apart but I’m slowly muddling through it all. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real that you’re gone, six weeks feels like two minutes and then feels like years.

IMG_1546It feels weird talking about you in the past tense so I sometimes speak to you as if you’re Poirot. Yeah he’s settled in well and reminds me of you which is good.

I hope you’re okay on your big adventure and are not alone, I know how much you hated to be alone. Someday we’ll see each other again and I look forward to that day. Until then I suppose I’ll keep talking to your gravestone. Or the rabbit. Either way I’ll be able to tell you all the good, bad and rambly stuff.

Remember I love you and will miss watching films with you. I’ll miss everything as you probably will. Liam misses you too. I’ll also miss you making me read Le Petit Prince to you in French then asking me what it all meant.

I’m glad you didn’t suffer much in the end and no matter what I say I’m glad I was there with you till the end. You did achieve so much and you’ve made us all better people. We’re so proud of you. Go adventure Doll, I know you’ll always be there.

Good night for now and I’ll leave you with this…You’re now invisible because you’re essential.

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Late Night Ramblings of a Girl in Mourning

It was strange walking into the hospital today. It was like I knew this was the end for her. Things seemed too different. Too bright. Too cheerful. The sun was shining when I thought the skies should be gloomy.

Today Jess died.

Today I feel like no one should smile. I don’t know what to say so I thought I’d write it. Hopefully my feelings won’t be too extreme, but at this point I don’t care. My friend is gone. My beautiful talented friend isn’t alive to see her 24th Birthday and I’m angry that she isn’t here. Cancer took her and turned her into the complete opposite of what she was. I can remember her crying for a day when her hair started falling out and yet a month later when they told her she didn’t have much time left she took it in her stride and simply said “Okay, that’s fine.” At that point we cried for everything she would not see and do.

I think her death has hit me a lot harder than I hoped it would. She died in front of my eyes while she held my hand. That is burned into my head. I’m glad I was there in her final moments and that she didn’t suffer much. Jess wasn’t scared and that helps but now I have to move forward without her in anyway possible. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m fed up of people asking ‘Are you okay?’ even though I know they’re concerned and are genuinely asking.

Let us go back to yesterday when she laughed and smiled. She seemed to be better. She still wasn’t eating but she smiled! That was the best feeling ever! It’s like she knew that was her last effort to make us smile. Today though she had a shadow of a smile when she told us she loved us and would miss us. She’s wrote letters to us and I daren’t open it. I’m terrified of a letter. What if she’s said something and I need to reassure her? I can’t now. Certain things keep popping up and it makes me hate her for a second. Jess you’ve left me with no one to talk to. You’ve left me with your bunny who also seems to be mourning you. I’ve been worried for you for so long I don’t know how to feel anymore. Part of me wants to join you on what you always called your big adventure.

Stitch Crying

I’m glad your suffering is over and that you’re at peace but, Doll, you shouldn’t have died yet. I am proud of you and love you like a sister. You told me to keep on smiling every time I told you we’d be fine and you could go when ever you needed to. I don’t think I know how to smile anymore. I’ll try though.

I’ll remember every moment with you. The good, the bad and the funny.

Goodbye and Goodnight Doll.

This is mine and Jess’ favourite song… Listen closely to the lyrics.

Shave or Style for Macmillan!

Big important question here guys: Are you ready to brave the shave?

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Let me explain more. Macmillan cancer support have come up with this awesome campaign to help raise money for their services. You sign up and either have your head shaved or your hair styled. Simple right? It obviously takes a lot of courage and balls but it’s a well worth cause.
10403609_336545609831736_1859678516305399332_nThey’ll send you out sponsor forms and a smashing t-shirt to show the world what you’ve done. The campaign takes place from 19th-25th July but you can do it whenever you like. The money raised will do great things for those suffering from or affected by cancer.

It’s that important I’m braving the shave on Tuesday… In the Tesco where I work. I admit I’m nervous but my friend Jess was recently told she has terminal cancer and she has 12 months to live. Now is the time for me to do something to help!

Anyone interested in helping me in my adventure please visit my page.

Go visit Shave or Style to find out more or sign up! Remember anything you raise for any charity all goes to good things!

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