I’ve been pissed off before but this seriously takes the biscuit.
As many of you know I’m ill. I suffer from anaphylaxis with pretty much unknown causes. The paramedics always laugh and joke and say I’m allergic to everything which in someway is pretty much true. It’s a lovely illness to have. NOT. Anaphylaxis on it’s own is terrifying. Not knowing if the next thing you eat, touch or smell could send you into the pits of despair is evil. I think that alone could probably kill someone.
Yesterday I got took from work (again) in an ambulance because I went into anaphylactic shock. I have lovely rashes and scratches up my arms where some flowers brushed past me and I’ve literally peeled some skin off my chest from scratching so much. As the kind doctor pointed out at midnight last night I look like shit. For those of you who don’t know anaphylaxis is like a really bad allergic reaction to something. It gets so severe that our airways swell up and shut off… That’s if our tongues haven’t already swollen up and stopped our breathing. We have to carry epi-pens which is basically a wonderful needle that injects us with adrenaline that gets us breathing again. It works wonders. Sometimes that one shot doesn’t last too long and we have to have a second larger dose and then if we’re really unlucky hours, maybe even days later, we have a relapse. In my case the relapse is usually worse than the initial shock.
Let’s finish with facts and get back to my pissed offness.
While I am grateful for the wonderful support and love I get from my family and friends (work colleagues included) about my condition something was said today that really riled me up and quite frankly upset me. I won’t say who said it. I got told that all these trips to the hospital are tiring and that they can’t keep doing this. Yes that one sentence annoyed me. I understand that this is hard for people who love me, especially when one of my best friends actually died of anaphylaxis and there’s the possibility it could happen to me. But telling me that MY illness is tiring is ridiculous. How do you think I feel when this happens to me. IT’S SCARY KNOWING I COULD DIE. It’s scary not knowing what causes these reactions and it’s god damn tiring living with this illness. I hate it and if I could stop the allergies don’t you think I would. Living with any illness is really tough and I totally get that but we all, at times, can’t deal with it has we should and I suppose we all deal with it differently. Having been out of hospital about 12 hours now I can tell you that my fear of needles is still there and I’m bone tired of it all. If there was an easy way out right now I’d take it but I have to be strong for my lovely friends who’ll be there to cheer me up until it all happens again.
I may regret writing this later on but for now it’s just nice to be able to vent my anger somewhere.