Late Night Ramblings of a vampire diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder

It’s been over a year but a lot has been happening. My diagnosis list has increased I have Fibromyalgia and now Borderline Personality Disorder to add to the list!

So, a lot of you know I have Bipolar disorder but also this year I was told I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well… so basically my brain has decided to learn how to make me have more mood swings with a crippling amount of self-doubt.

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Another name for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. To be honest, I had to find out that the disorder was called BPD on the internet when I got home as the psychiatrist kept referring to me as having emotionally unstable disorder. To say I was annoyed, probably proved her point as I was in tears along with secretly wanting to storm out of the room. I had only gone to these appointments to get my bipolar reviewed (I even created a mood chart and I felt like that had been ignored)

BPD8            I guess I was in denial… well come on, someone telling you, you are emotionally
unstable is a big thing. Plus, also in the
same appointment the psychiatrist also brought up the thought she thinks I might be autistic. I was feeling low that day and she was concerned I had made hardly any eye contact… I guess in her mind she saw another diagnosis whereas, I just saw that I wasn’t feeling up enough to look at people, which is actually a symptom of depression.

My BPD comes from my childhood and early adolescence, I admitted to the psychiatrist I had a crap one, with all the bullying and abuse I went through. So, it’s not like, this forBPD6 me anyway, this is a chemical imbalance. I have learned to react these ways. This means, more therapy for me!.. Considering I’ve been through Mindfulness twice and a type of CBT twice I have to use sarcasm when it comes to the prospect of me going through more therapy, I’m getting signed up for DBT next. Truthfully, I’m not even sure what I’ll be like if they manage to sort out my BPD. It’s a symptom of BPD you are unsure of who you are and with my bipolar on top of that I’m all over the place. It feels as if no one knows the real me, I dissociate a lot the world becomes unreal or I start to think I’m a different person.

I’m coming more to terms with the diagnosis now noticing things which tick the boxes. Sort of like, abandonment issues? Tick that box as I’m always figuring that people are going to leave me behind, friends are harder to keep with me and it’s harder to make friends as tBPD1he thought they are thinking negatively towards me always appears. Like a few weeks ago, there was this woman who stared at me in what I thought was a glare, so automatically I had a breakdown, thinking that now everyone in that area was against me and hated me. That’s what it’s like with BPD, it’s black and white relationships, you’re either thinking people love you or people hate you. Also, there’s the self-doubt, the feeling of worthlessness. It doesn’t take a lot to set that off, unlike my bipolar where my mood takes weeks to change, with BPD my mood could change in seconds and with the bipolar it could make that worse.

What does it mean to have bipolar and BPD? Well, it will be different for everyone. With me though it means my moods could be worse and last longer. I’m already, “Emotionally unstable.” People with BPD often feel emotions more intensely and I mean intense you can go from feeling empty, lonely and the lowest of low to the hiBPD3ghest high where you believe everyone loves you. The anger can be destructive, destroying relationships or anything in your path, you can scream your heart out in frustration punch walls until you’re in pain. Unlike bipolar which works in cycles, it will just take one
little thing and my mood could change, like I said one stare and I can become depressed. One person not showing interest can leave you feeling unloved. With bipolar in the mix it means sometimes my moods will last longer, BPD can be a trigger. There can be normal days but it is easy to trigger a mood or a thought, like the diagnosis states it is an unstable disorder.

BPD4            There’s a lot of complex feelings and thoughts that come with Borderline Personality disorder that I’m now just discovering. There are things about me that I just thought were part of my weirdness when actually it’s part of the disorder. Turns out not everyone feels the need to blame themselves for every little thing. Relationships can be hard with BPD, with me it’s hard to ask for help. I automatically want to push people away when my mood goes low, I suddenly become this burden on others, which then triggers the suicidal thoughts. I did reach a milestone about a month ago actually asking for help without my support workers support so I guess that’s something. There’s a constant darkness of not wanting to live my mind bringing forward harmful or embarrassing memories that can trigger me.

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Anyway, that’s enough of my ramblings hopefully I’ll get back to writing more frequently!

Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Who Wants To Talk About Depression

Well. I wanted to write something and now I’m here I don’t quite know what to say.d6a105b7142ac8c95e47de3c89b541ac I’m fed up and slowly destroying myself at the moment. I don’t quite know what to say when someone talks to me and yet afterwards I think of the perfect thing to say; I’m down and hurting and I want it to stop. I find it hard to talk, writing is much easier for me but many people don’t understand this. When I write I can separate myself from everything. I can tell myself no one will ever see this or the people who will see it I’ll never ever see or they’ll be that afraid by what I’ve written they won’t say anything to me. Either way I don’t mind. It’s just nice to vent and get it all out there every so often.

At the moment I’m in hell. I feel like a zombie, I don’t care for anything and don’t care to do anything either. I had a job interview and an assessment for a job that was shocking and I’d never do even if I was jobless. Because I’m not feeling great this has knocked me back a bit more. I feel like, at the moment, I can’t try to fix myself because I want to help fix my sister who’s currently in a psychiatric ward. As you all know she’s bipolar and she’s in there to help herself. She’ll be doing well with the right help and the right environment around her but I miss her a lot. I don’t want to burden my mum about my problems because I know she’s worried about Cat. She goes every day after work and visits her for a while. What rights do I have to put my problems on her? I should be helping so I put a smile on my face and get on with it even though inside I’m slowly giving up.

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This is exactly what it’s like. c. Hyperbole and a Half

 

I admit now that I suffer from depression. I don’t have it all the time but every so often it sneaks up on me and tries to make me give up. It tries to hurt me, my family and those I love around me and this makes me feel worse.
70d7f75664505bd1bee163ac20c2c08aMental Health still has a stigma in this country and I think that’s made me deny having depression for a while. I self harm but I always made it sound like a normal problem yet it is linked to my depression. I don’t want people to automatically think “oh she’s the one with depression” or “she needs to snap out of it.” People with mental health problems hate this. We really are no different to you in most ways. If I could just stop self harming don’t you think I would? Do you really think I like all the sympathetic and sad looks I get when someone sees a plaster or the cuts on my arms? For Gods sake I’m 24 and I don’t feel in control of my life! I feel like I’ll never be right according to what you think is right. I can be happy and then I get paranoid and afraid that someone will see my mask slipping, they’ll see the ugly side of me. It’s so tiring keeping the happy “yeah I’m okay” mask on all the time. But making people understand is even worse.

We are people too. Just remember that. Some of us need extra help and some of us need help and time just admitting that we need extra help. Sometime soon I might be brave enough to let my mask slip completely but for now I need to stay strong for my sister and for those of us going through a tough time. Most of all I need to stay strong for myself because who else will do it for me?

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World Mental Health day- Late Night Ramblings of a vampire who’s been to a mental hospital

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Talk like a Pirate day, (for those of you who need educating, that’s the 19th of September) I ended up in hospital for mental health reasons. I decided this World mental health day (Well the night before W.M.H.D), while freezing my hands off writDW headbanging this thanks to the cold nights, having to stop in my parents conservatory and I can’t find my gloves to go under this quilt (they came to the conclusion me stopping with them was a good idea, it may be a good idea but in the conservatory in the middle of winter, I’m on anti-psychotics so those penguins must be real). But I decided I’d have a go at telling my experience at stopping 17 long and frankly boring days. I did mention before leaving that with all the waiting we had to do no wonder people in there were going crazy; also I’d go crazy just with lack of things to do.

 

I didn’t end up in there fMonstersor pushing too many people off planks or going insane and over dosing on Krispy Kreme’s offer where you got a free donut if you showed up dressed like a pirate, looking back though they, especially the latter, might have been a good option. I didn’t get properly hospitalised till the Sunday (Talk like a Pirate day was on Friday). In these hospital trips I had to spend about 6 hours in a waiting room, which yes I know for some people 6 hours is nothing, trust me been there when I had a broken nose, but it could seem like eternity. Especially when you have creepy people coming in and out, injured Sunday footballers coming in with probably nothing more than a sprained ankle and a family you swear was the Spanish mob, and that’s just what was happening outside of me.

It’s hard to explain to those healthy people, but imagine you are in severe pain. Try distracting yourself from it, now on that weekend that’s sort of what I was feeling. Just not physical pain, you can easily walk into an A&E screaming in pain telling them what’s hurting, my pain I couldn’t exactly pin point. Bipolar you have highs and lows, my low was at an all time and if that wasn’t bad enough I had an hallucination voice that was a female constantly screaming in pain in my head, I had told a therapist later that I could imagine a woman burning, now I don’t know if that’s just because I’m a Supernatural fan and my mind was reminding me of the first episode of season one or what but it was horrible.

Another thing what is hard to explain to people is how I saw myself during those times… The Fault in our Stars quote, “I’m a Grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimise the casualties, okay?” That’s basically it, I know seeing a mental health patient compare herself to a terminally ill cancer patient is strange and to some people wrong but that’s how I see it, it’s why I sympathise with Hazel so much. I may not have a tumour killing me but there are days were I see my mental illness as the grenade and the statistics haunt me. Being Bipolar, there is a 50% it will kill me (well statistics say I will kill myself but it will probably be the bipolar that caused that). The medication just becomes something that is keeping you alive, with out it the illness will take over, so when it feels like the illness is taking over with out the medication, the right thing is to take more right?

Infecting

 

I over took medication, that’s the reason I was told to go to A&E. I didn’t overdose. There is a difference. For me to have overdose I’d have had to have taken a certain amount, I was close to taking it but I’d have to have taken 1 or 2 more tablets,Numbed also there would have had to be suicide in mind.

With the severe pain thing in mind, I just wanted things to stop, for the world to stop, for what I was hearing and feeling to stop. I took the first lot of tablets that didn’t stop anything that I was feeling so I took another lot a few hours after and then another lot after, meaning I took about 6 tablets. It was the doctors on Sunday that wouldn’t let me home deeming it would be a risk putting me anywhere I had access to medication.

When they hospitalise you they can do two things, well in my case three but we had done the 3rd before but that after a week I was hitting my head against a wall- and in that place I was allowed my MacBook. 2 things they can do- informal admittance or sectioning (which means you get some of your rights taken away) My case I was an informal admittance, meaning I chose to go into hospital, although I didn’t want to stop in for that long and I soon started to wonder why I had chose to go in the first place. If they had told me in that little room in A&E were I stared mostly into corners trying to keep up with the constant stream of, “What do you want to do?” that I’d be subjected to a timetable that was carved in stone, no laptops or expensive electronics and chargers had to be given in and if you wanted your phone charging you had to give your phone to the office? I may have gone for the place that made me want to bash my head in. (This is the reason I found my time there insanely boring once I started to get better I live by my MacBook)

When I got there- via taxi, massive issue considering I have a fear of taxis so another question they had to keep asking me was, “Will I jump out?”- It was scary; the whole world got squashed into this ward. It has two small gardens- one that was full of smokers, the other one I used just to get away from people. They occasionally wondered out there too, public spaces, go figure… I got my own room with a plastic mattress and even a plastic covered duvet. Guess what? The walls weren’t padded and there were no straight jackets! Sorry to disappoint you but they don’t use straight jackets anymore… also I found out on my second week there that the staff won’t had out mallets and tranquiliser guns.

As I arrived at night I didn’t get to meet many people till the next day.

Fear yourself

At breakfast it became evident it was sort of like school, 5 circular tables full of different people. The people you sat with were the people you soon came close too and sat with every day, even though it took a few days for the relationship to get to a social level, for before that point it was mostly eye contact. For me one of the first conversations I had with a patient I had was with a woman who came in about the same time as me and the conversation was about her teddy bear, that she came in hugging… she was discharged before me so she happily laughed while I grumbled about how life wasn’t fair. It was hard to see how a woman who looked scared of her own shadow could have been in a better state than me. I have to admit I was also a bit peed off that she came in with a teddy and I hadn’t come in with something to hug- that was corrected the next day though with a cuddly squirrel.

People were in here for different reasons, some were more evident then others, one lady I made friends with was just in there for holiday. No idea why you’d want to go in there for a holiday, but then if you are happy with watching daytime tv aHallucinationsnd having a strict regime with (not so good) meals, it’s the ideal place for you! If you crossed a person who was talking to themselves looking distant, chances are they were in for mental health. There were also people in this ward in for rehab, so chances are they could disappear as they went into withdrawal. There was one case waiting in the line to get medication where one of the patients was asking another to go to the shop to get him some beer. Thankfully, it didn’t end in violence, although striking up a fight in front of a room full of staff with medication unless you had a low IQ that’s not a good idea.

One thing I loved was the staff. It wasn’t all cooed voices, caring too much; thankfully they treated us like real people. Things I hated, I think I mentioned this 3 times already the timetable. There were 3 and ½ meal times and 4 drink times. For a place that people were supposed to remain calm and sane in, they promoted a lot of caffeine, offering tea and coffee at every meal time and drink time. I did start making a theory that the amount of caffeine through the day was to keep patients awake just due to the amount of medication that had the side effect of tiredness.

  • 8.30 Breakfast (meaning you had to be up before and dressed- difficult thing to do if you are used to getting up at 10, very high quality breakfast every day you have the choice between cereal and toast… there is a lot of toast in this place, if there is a bread shortage this place will go down in flames.)
  • 9am- Morning medication (Also if you weren’t up by this time you’d be woken up by staff. This is where you got a catch up on the latest gossip as you cued outside the treatment room… then you silently cursed if someone was in front of you had to go in and have a full work up- blood pressure readings done etc)
  • 10am Morning drink (A.K.A The first official caffeine dosage, well breakfast counted to properly waking me up this was an added extra)
  • 12pm Lunch (Hospital yumminess *Sarcasm*)
  • 3pm afternoon drink
  • 5pm dinner
  • 8pm evening drink + supper (A.K.A Hot Chocolate Tiiiime)
  • 9.30 pm nighttime drink
  • 10pm night time drug time (If you had sleeping tablets or like me the boringness of your day tired you out you were asleep shortly after this.)

 

Ok I know this wasn’t a hotel, holiday experience but I told my GP (Not the psychiatrist he’d have kept me in if I told him this)- the same one I told I’d rather rip out my ovaries than have kids so she knew how troubled my mind was- I wouldn’t plan to go back. The fact I nearly told one of the patients who I had a theory was in there due to mood issues that this wasn’t a hotel when she started using colourful language about being woken up. It wasn’t all bad either for patients like me I could go out after seeing one of the nurses just as long as I gave details on where I was going and when I’d be back, in simple terms the staff there were like over protective parents. You had to call them if something went wrong blah, blah, blah.

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It did its job I’m now in a better state than what I had been- I even got to the state where I was actually begging to be discharged. It was pointed out to me though, although being happy would get me points, I was bipolar so if I over acted it they’d assume I was going manic (Ultra happy) and I’d be kept in. So, if you ever ended up like I did in hospital, take all the advice you can get, even some from the patients who have been there what to them feels like years- one woman had been in and out of their for 20 years, I think I would have snapped at the 1 month point and ended up on a more secure ward so 20 years? That woman deserves a medal or something… happy sticker maybe?

Art work seen in this post is some of mine what I did in the ward (rest of my art work available on www.nightmarecat.co.uk– weirdly I plastic bags and cables were not allowed in the ward but I was allowed to keep pens and pencils… still trying to figure that one out… 

 

Late night ramblings of a vampire who doesn’t know if she belongs.

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I hardly swear. In fact I hate swearing but it’s times like these where I feel like I am totally f*cked in the head.

RambleAnother thing I hardly do is admit I am human. It might be a delusion or a product of my messed up mind but I’m not sure what I am.

I’m an asexual, agender, dyslexic, dyspraxic, possibly now gluten intolerant, bipolar, goth girl who doesn’t understand anything what this world does or says.

I’ve never felt like I am human because I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’m waiting for that day where someone finds me and tells me they are taking me back home. People think I’m joking when i say, “I’m looking for Narnia.” Every so often though. I’m not. A place where the trees and animals talk actually seems to make a more sense than this world sometimes.

I must be missing something people have that blocks out all the insanity of this world.

I’ve been accused of being selfish a lot growing up but looking at the big picture, too many people put money, politics and their own selfish needs before everything else.

Is it just me who sees that the important thing in this whole world should be the fact that we are alive and strive to live in a happy world?

Maybe there is a reason I have mental health issues because what I’ve seen of this world I’m not sure how the population got this far in the first place. The Manic state of my bipolar is actually a blessing, it drops me into a world which makes this one seem like a super happy musical. Every other emotion though makes me want to run away, the self harming and over doses aren’t me trying to kill myself it’s me trying to figure out if this is real or not and find an escape route. Ramblings4

I have an annoying habit of reactively trying to find the positive in everything. It’s getting to the point now where it is tiring when you live in a world what just throws a lot of crap at you. I feel like dropping off the face of the earth just to see if anyone in my life would notice I was missing. RamblingsA

I like to think I have a close group of friends but my time watching people I’m starting to think they are just coping with me because I am the one who latched onto them. In the end though because I latched onto them I’m the one who will keep running back to them, although I start to feel like they are purposely trying to inch away. I always have keep that bit of distance between me and them so ok they can hurt me but they can’t tear me apart. I notice some make arrangements and I wasn’t there it hurts to be lift out hence that distance is needed because they will change and grow up but that’s one of the things I’m not sure I am able to do.  know if I let people crawl further in I’ll be back to that state were I get ripped to pieces again and only held together by an auditory hallucination

I’ve always been treated differently aRamblings 7nd it wasn’t really because of the obvious fashion choices.

I grew up in my own world because from an early age I overall have been alone. Not a lot of people really know but I spent a lot of the first 10-ish years of my life in hospital, but even if it wasn’t for those days off from school I have a feeling I’d still have gotten treated differently. No one in my class understood me I’ve never acted my age no matter how many times I got told to grow up. My personality ranged from being immature in front of hospital staff to being middle aged when it came to being in front of teachers. My personality has never fitted in to cope with those of my age in the schools I have been to and certain characteristics of mine definitely didn’t help with the fitting in process.

Or maybe I give off some weird signal that keeps people away, I think that’s why I identify being a vampire, they are humanoid in stories such as Dracula they have no obvious power but blend into the darkness but also humans see them as dangerous. In some ways as well I’m stuck age wise, everyone seems to be able to change and grow up. I’ve noticed I have changed, well actually it’s more of I’ve become more confident, but growing up emotionally, I’m stuck at that age where everything doesn’t make sense.

When will I be super sexy and when will I be able to turn into a bat?

 

Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How To Feel

So it’s not quite late night but I thought I’d write this before the Brazil vs Colombia game begins… And yes it has just kicked off.

An ITV commentator as just said “It’s Colombia versus the whole of Brazil” about this game but I really want Colombia to win because the winner of this match takes on Germany which is my team.

Back to the point of this post…

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I like to think this is how I should feel.

I seem to be at the point in my life where I’m thinking what the hell am I doing? I’m busy with my freelance work but I feel so indifferent about it it’s worrying. I’m working the Yorkshire Grande Depart bit of the Tour de France this weekend and I really couldn’t give a crap. I know I should be excited and I religiously watch TDF every year so the fact that I don’t feel anything towards it is quite worrying.

I doubt it is a problem as such but I’ll be glad when I start to work out how to feel in certain situations. I still feel anxious when it comes to my sister and how she’s doing but then I’ve always been like that I think. I don’t even feel anything towards my own health anymore, if something happens it happens.

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This is what me and my friends are like. We’re very close.

Talking about things like this helps. Always remember that. My problem comes in that the people I talk to aren’t really there anymore. Tom is moving to Australia in 2 weeks and Jess is still having chemo for stomach cancer so I need to stay strong for her. I can remember clearly how I was when Ben died and I felt nothing then. Please remember if any of you need to talk I am here.

I feel like I’m rambling now… Hey at least it’s a feeling! I just dread that whatever this is sends me into another downward spiral again. I know what happens when you don’t feel emotions. You seem to force yourself into feeling something and then you wreck yourself and your family and friends which destroys you anymore. I should feel bad but at the moment I really don’t.

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We’ll see what happens with work and life and everything and how I make it out. But for now I’ll sit and eat the rest of my mum’s chocolate and watch football. Maybe I’ll get excited or something.

Kendra Bean Talks Vivien Leigh at National Portrait Gallery, London

Thursday (28/11) saw a very special talk at the National Portrait Gallery in London. Kendra Bean, author of Vivien Leigh: An Intimate Portrait, gave a talk to a packed out audience on the life of the wonderful Vivien Leigh. The … Continue reading

Late night ramblings of a -Manic Depressive- Vampire

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I believe this jelly symbolises how I feel at the moment… Happy Jelly!

It’s been mentioned before I’m Bipolar. I’m not afraid to admit I’m bipolar, most people who know me guess there is something wrong anyway and I’m accepting enough to joke about it. I have a mental health condition not a sticker across my head which says, “Discriminate at will.”

Besides, I have something most of you don’t have- Moments of pure happiness and it doesn’t matter what happens in that time because nothing will get me down. Yeah I have super powers and that isn’t a delusion. Also I have the understanding on how bad people can feel. So, yes I am bipolar but I have the power of empathy without even walking out the front door.

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Right as I am currently in a Manic state this could seem like a puzzle, I could start off with one sentence and end up talking about something completely different, honestly in real life I can hold two conversations at once. It’s like these pictures you see associated with ADHD.

So, for the past year-ish- I have actually not really been taking medication, it wasn’t that they didn’t prescribe me any, it is just I didn’t take them because of the way they made me feel. I got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder around 2 years ago, I’ve been tried on two anti-psychotic medications. There have been a few hellish moments, when it was first discovered that I wasn’t taking my meds things blew up, but to be honest even if I had been taking my tablets things still would have gotten that bad because of the situation I had gotten into.

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I’ve learned that if I tell people who know I’m bipolar, I’m not taking the medication things actually stop for a moment. The most common reaction was one which related to, “Can you cope?” This concern suddenly comes out, the thing is though most of the time I was ok, I actually knew when to take my medication, ok it was only about once every 2-3 weeks but that was my way of coping.

I’m not sure if people have this overwhelming concern that if you are Bipolar and off medication, that you are going to suddenly decide to commit suicide or in a sudden aggressive manic state you’re going to go on a killing spree.  I tried explain to people I do know my own warning signs. The treatment plan for bipolar people is to recognise these, “Relapse signs.” I had spent numerous years before my diagnosis with bipolar, I hadn’t and still haven’t once tried to commit suicide and I’m not the type of person who will go on a murder spree- to be honest I hadn’t even gotten a detention in high school, so unless bipolar is something that only progresses to it’s full symptoms once a psychiatrist says the words, I think I’d be in a prison or at least have some warning or dead if I were to do those things.

The medication is there for the patient as well as the people around them. It seems mean, well I don’t read minds but I’m pretty sure most people would feel better- possibly even safer- if they knew that part of me was under control. There are a lot of treatment options. I got told yesterday that my bipolar is, “Complicated,” (Most bipolar people have a normal state in between mania and depressed states, mine progresses too quickly so I don’t really have that normal state- hence the psychiatric team really needed me back on medication) But that’s why medication which should have worked after I was diagnosed didn’t really work. So, the mission is to- again- find some medication that will make me feel better/not zombified and I will be willing to take and so people will feel safer as there is one less weird complicated bipolar girl out on the streets of Gotham!!!… Oh wait wrong town.

Before finally getting diagnosed, I actually had two other forms of treatment. Anti-depressants and counselling.

Now, because I was about 16, they put my mood swings down to normal adolescent things- never knew normal 16 year olds felt suicidal that much but hey, I ended up in counselling for low self-esteem issues and anger management issues.

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My reaction when I recall those treatments

One of the traits that often come with the Manic side of bipolar is, high self esteem and image, sometimes people start to believe they can do anything- one of the common things with me is that I say I want to do something I know I can’t, I often say when I’m in a manic state, I want to go swimming, now anyone who knows me will know I cannot swim and also I am terrified of deep water… Now, can you imagine what happens when you put some one in a manic state in low self-esteem counselling, where they tell you all your good traits etc?

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I got it at the wrong time, in my manic state I saw myself even better- only making jokes about how something could harm my self esteem, so something like a bad grade was just a joke.

With me, the counselling isn’t something that transferred onto all my moods, when it came to the lows, I regretted feeling and seeing myself that way, meaning I felt worse. Plus add on all the stresses of A-level exams and crap happening in home life… Truthfully, I can’t hide my hatred when counselling gets suggested to me, the place I got sent to (a small council thing) knocked down a lot of walls in my mind and the only reason I actually got discharged from the place was because I was going into a high state and they saw I was happy.

Another form of treatment that I had before the diagnosis, was something that shouldn’t have happened. I got put on Anti-Depressants. Short story, The time I was on them I was in a manic state. You shouldn’t put a bipolar person on anti-depressants with out something to bring the other side down. I remember dancing through Debenhams when I was on them…. To be honest, not much has changed only now when in a manic state I’m more likely to be singing Judy Garland songs or dancing to a song in Singin in the Rain.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when Eastenders first started to run the Bipolar story line- I don’t watch Eastenders, I just know they are running that story line again this time with the correct information. But when I was diagnosed about 95% of patients thinking they were Bipolar were going by what Eastenders was telling them, so most of them didn’t have Bipolar Disorder. Lucky me again, I found myself in a minority.

First official medication I got put on was Olanzapine, I got put in hospital for a week with this one!

Second one Quetiapine, I stopped taking this one because I found I worked better without it- But fun fact about Quetiapine, in the side effects list apparently one of the possible side effects is, “Unexpected death.”  At university I was a zombie Year One thanks to the Olanzapine, A semi-Zombie year 2 thanks to the Quetiapine and then all of a sudden my grades shot up and I was actually there for year 3 when I stopped taking the medication- only taking it when I felt like I needed it.  Both, these medications have heavy sedatives in them, I don’t remember much on the Olanzapine but I do have a record for sleeping over 16 hours one day on the Quetiapine and even when I was awake I wasn’t fully there… I usually only get 4 hours sleep on a good day without medication and can work most of that.

Yesterday, I was put on a new medication. Sodium Valproate. It’s a twice a day thing but so far me and it are not on good terms. Yesterday I was in a depressed mood, I ended up calling the Crisis Team (people who are there when patients get really bad) but around 20 hours later, my mood suddenly did a 180 and thanks to the meds as well I feel sick. Fun fact about these meds, it’s expected you will feel like you will be sick for the first few days on these tablets but if you actually throw up you need to go to hospital because these tablets can mess up your liver and send you into liver failure!

Benidict C

You need to love the medication people sometimes. Anyone else see the irony in the fact this medication is for people with mood problems possibly with anxiety to stop these symptoms but the tablets are also giving us symptoms of something that could probably kill us? Sort of like, “Oh this will get rid off all my troubles, I feel sick, but they said if I throw up it could be a sign of liver failure! I thought these tablets were going to get rid of this panic, not kill me! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!”…. And here’s me making up more conspiracies about the medication industry, if anyone wants to hear my conspiracy theory on asthma just ask.

Along with medication I also have to see a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) regularly (once every one or two weeks) she comes out and just gives me someone to talk to and also if things need seeing to she will highlight them in the meetings they have. So, just incase anyone thinks mental health patients are uncontrollable or are suicides waiting to happen, there are people there to stop it getting that far. There are various charities or even official NHS numbers people can call.

Late night ramblings of a girl who’s been told to take anti-depressants.

My day was shocking. How was yours? Every 4 weeks I have to go see this really nice lady at Mind about my self harming issues. She’s helped me loads and really supports me and what I sometimes go through. Today … Continue reading

Mental Health Awareness

In the past month, possibly longer than that. I’m not entirely sure, I’m just happy this is happening.

I am doing this as part of a mental health pledge http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

The BBC- BBC Three- started a string of programmes highlighting mental health. To anyone who doesn’t know mental health sort of revolves around your mind, such as the way you think, only overall it is a much bigger picture. Think of it, you have a headache, that automatically doesn’t mean you have brain cancer . Like physical illness, anyone can become mentally ill, it’s not just certain people and no one chooses to be, depressed, schizophrenic etc. Again like physical illness no one chooses to have a mental disorder.

Insomnia By Nightmare Cat

Insomnia By Nightmare Cat

There are multiple mental illnesses- to name some, there is Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, Dissociative Identity Disorder (some may know this as Multiple Personality Disorder) Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, Personality Disorders, Sleep Disorders. Well there is a lot.

In these illnesses, one person might not have the same symptoms as another person with that illness. Consider someone with Schizophrenia, now the image what comes with that illness is usually one of a person being crazy, listening to the voices in his or her head. Mental Health Awareness, is here to help people realise the picture is way bigger, for one most people with schizophrenia doesn’t act crazy, what people see in schizophrenia is the worst case scenario. And there are other symptoms other then hearing voices, some could have that and other symptoms, such as delusions or visual hallucinations or might not even hear voices at all.

Also, there are other illnesses where people can have hallucinations and delusions and not be Schizophrenic- So Please. Work on getting a mental health related degree before dishing out the diagnosis and crazy remarks!

Psychosis by Nightmare Cat

Psychosis by Nightmare Cat

Psychosis- When someone experiences Hallucinations and/or Delusions is a symptom that is also seen in disorders such as Bipolar and Schizoaffective. Plus even those under stress can be known to trigger a psychotic break.

Another assumption is that someone with a Mental illness cannot do things like a, “Normal,” Person. Now for you who think that, give a definition on what you think is normal. Plus consider, if you put away all the people with mental health issues, the amount of people on benefits would go up- and come on, majority of the UK population complain about those people who can work but don’t- Putting those with mental health problems in hospital will just cause the same problem, the NHS would have to care for said patients, and I’d like to think the human race have learned their lessons from the experiences patients went through in the first Bethlam, “Bedlam,” Asylum in the 1700’s, in the case of just leave them and experiment.

There are multiple people who have a mental illness who have achieved well in life, Van Gogh and Catherine Zeta Jones both have Bipolar disorder and are known. Everyone is known to suffer from anxiety sometimes, usually phobias are things there to keep the human race alive.

Anxiety by Nightmare Cat

Anxiety by Nightmare Cat

It’s hard to describe to someone who doesn’t experience and feel the way you feel. People can make assumptions, with these people saying over TV what they experience there is some hope that others will understand better. Charities like Mind and also the help the health care provides helps in time of need, underneath we are the same people you all probably know, there is no need to shy away. I think there is something wrong with the people who do distance themselves just because a person has a label/illness.

I’d consider myself lucky in one aspect. Truthfully 2/3 years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar along with that I also have psychosis, derealisation, depersonalisation (this just means I think on occasions the world isn’t real and I’m not in control of my actions) and more recently I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety- run for the hills if you must with all these things, but I’ve

Dissociative disorder- the destructive personality- by Nightmare Cat

Dissociative disorder- the destructive personality- by Nightmare Cat

never pretended to be normal or blend in so it’s not one thing people can put against me. Now, the people I know have all stuck by me, we actually joke about it. People have asked, “What caused it?” Truthfully I put it back to my childhood/adolescence.

But it is hard to explain to others that the Bipolar thing isn’t just as simple as mood swings. Everyone has mood swings, us with Bipolar tend to have more… is Severe the right word? Mood Swings. The way I feel is that when I’m in the Manic (Really Really really happy) side of things I guess I could relate to myself when I’m drunk, it’s not just the mood thing that classes us as bipolar, it’s the actions too. Now this is where patients probably tend to differ. In a manic mood, some bipolar patients can become more chatty, confident, restless, thoughts become racing, it becomes hard to concentrate on one thing. It can become like one of those funny moments when you are having a conversation then all of a sudden you are distracted by a little thing. Some can be known to go on spending sprees. In the depressed side of things, things can start to slow down, self esteem and confidence become low, motivation to do anything gets drained out of you. It becomes hard because these moods can last weeks, it can become a cycle one fortnight you can be ready for doing anything the next the world sucks, life is hardly worth living. There can be a moment of normal mood. My experience of Bipolar, I actually find it hard to identify the normal moods. I started recognising there could be something wrong with my mood around five years ago, it took some years to finally admit the problem- when I nearly lost control due to anger, that’s when I waved the white flag. It also took some years to get a diagnosis. There can be a problem with diagnosing mood disorders in teenage years.

In the end, I have mental health conditions but it doesn’t make me less capable. I’m graduating from university, I have a book published, I consider myself good at art- well I have too having just finished an art degree- I’m happy with who I am plus I have a close group of friends who I wouldn’t loose for the world. The only people who say I’m not capable are the people who judge and possibly still see mental health conditions as this thing where the person is going to end up in a straight jacket in a padded cell. Personal experience at the job centre, I admitted I was bipolar and straight after the woman was suggesting I see the guy who helps people who won’t be able to keep a job. There are mental health charities such as Samaritans, Mind plus health providers who are here to help anyone suffering or who have concerns about mental health. They won’t judge, everyone will probably have an experience of depression or something.

Here’s to Mental Health Awareness and hoping people start to see insanity doesn’t come with with every mental illness!

Mind

To sign the mental health pledge to promote awareness-  http://www.time-to-change.org.uk

For more information about Mind (An- in my opinion awesome- Mental Health Charity) http://www.mind.org.uk

My Art Website (Yay self promoting) As I am currently doing a project looking at mental health- I’ve used some pictures in this post- www.Nightmarecat.co.uk