Late Night Ramblings of a Girl who’s struggling to cope. Again.

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I’ve been doing pretty well with my depression and anxiety. I know I’m doing well because I myself feel brilliant. I feel like a completely different person. In the past 6 months I’ve changed jobs met new colleagues who’ve become friends. Come to like the job I’m doing and actually feel comfortable in what I do. I’ve been offered jobs and had no anxieties about turning them down. It’s been excellent.

Then I lost one of my permanent journalism jobs. Which in turn led to me not having enough money to go for the house I want. I also realised that this time last year i spent every waking, and in some cases every sleeping, hour in a hospital watching my best friend die.

Yeah. In 2 days I turn 25 but in 8 days Jess will have been gone a year.

This is destroying me. I can’t help it and I don’t really want it to stop but it’s making me a completely different person to who I’ve been for the past 6 months. It’s made me feel like a fake because the new friends I have where I work really don’t know anything about me. I’m now anxious all the time that it’ll somehow make them hate me or see me as weak. I’m paranoid that i’ll be watched closely because something might trigger me to be sad.

Monsters

The friend I spoke to about all this isn’t here anymore and I haven’t seen my counsellor in 6 months because silly me thought ‘hey new job, new me. I can totally pull all this off!’ I was so wrong it hurts. I haven’t felt like this in years. Before it’s always felt like something I can snap out of, this feels like it’s here for much longer. Mixing depression, anxiety and heartache together is a stellar combination and one which I don’t think I’ll come out of unscathed. I’m at the point where someone says the wrong thing and I feel like crying. I can’t handle a situation at work and I go all quiet and retreat into my little dark place where no one can hurt me but on the outside I’m basically blank and ignoring you. Not good in a customer based environment.

As it get’s closer to Jess’ anniversary I think I’ll get worse. At the moment I get teary eyed when her favourite songs come on and I’m having 2am conversations with another of our friends. It’s bizarre but it’s how it’s all playing out.

In the end I’m stuck with depression and anxiety. I just wish I had a warning system for when it’s going to strike and how bad it’s going to be because let’s face it thinking everyone is looking at you and you have no idea why isn’t the best way to go about your day.

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7 thoughts on “Late Night Ramblings of a Girl who’s struggling to cope. Again.

    • Hi! It’s a tough road and I still miss her all the time but things get a little easier sometimes. It’s people like you who help me keep fighting because I know that when I write posts like this it helps others and that really helps. Your blog is fantastic and I hope you keep up the good work.

  1. I have never lost a close friend. I haven’t even experienced the death of a family member yet, and I’m only 18, so I can’t comment on that. But when you feel like retreating into your dark place, have you tried to listen to music? I tend to put ‘moody’ music on like solemn Bob Dylan songs or heart wretching Janis Joplin ballads. As cheesy as this sounds, I feel like it compensates for the commotion and sometimes deep, unexplained sadness in my life. It dramatizes it all and helps say what I maybe want to say or cry out loud to a therapist or my friend or my Mum. Your sadness and anxiety appears much deeper than mine, but I do suffer from panic attacks and atrial fibrillation, so I’m constantly and obsessively monitoring my heart. Just remember humans are dynamic and complex beings and with the power of your own mind, you can alter the state of it drastically. Think of how proud your friend Jess would be, and she might find it humours how all of your new friends don’t know as much about you as she did. Try to hold on to that special bond you had with her, and this sounds moronic, but find peace of mind in the ignorance and innocence of your new friends, in terms that they probably don’t and won’t ever know the pain you’ve felt/feel, if you know what I mean.

    P.S here are some good records I recommend to ease your mind, or even tug at your heart strings, which I listen to when I’m anxious or tense.





    • Thanks so much for the recommendations. It’s never actually struck me to listen to music at times like that so I’m going to give it a try. It’s sometimes hard at times but it makes me smile thinking of how she’d be the one cheering me on at new things. I totally agree that sometimes friends ignorance can be a good thing! Thank you for the comment and I hope things go good for you.

  2. Omg I know exactly how you feel. Keep your chin up. One day when I am ready I will do what you’ve done. At the moment I just write about it in a book

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