I keep writing this blog post in my head and then I go to tell someone and it’s all gone. Before Jess died a year ago she asked us all to write letters to her or talk to her when we wanted to tell her something. At the time we all thought it was silly to write letters and then after she died it seemed like the perfect thing to do.
I’m putting the letter up as Late Night Ramblings because for all intents and purposes this letter is one long ramble. I’m also putting it up here in the hopes people will relate and get something out of reading it. All your comments on other Late Night posts are supportive and helpful and I think you’re all awesome for it.
Well Jess here we are one year on. One year where I haven’t told you all the good the bad and the ugly. One year where we haven’t cried on each others shoulders or laughed so hard we’ve cried and most importantly one year where we haven’t spent countless hours on Tumblr and watching Disney films while eating as much sugar as we possibly could. What a waste of a year. And yet it doesn’t feel like a year at all.
I honestly thought it would be easier. People have told me it get’s easier and yet now I realise they were bull shitting me. If anything I’ve cried more today than I did when you died. Why can’t shock last forever? It hurts so much knowing you’re not here. Knowing I can’t ring you up and just rant for hours and you’d have a one word answer that solved all my problems. Looking back that answer always seemed to be food related. I miss it all so much! More than anything though I miss you. I miss your smile and your courage. You stared death down so many times and came back to us smiling. We all have our theories about that, Liam still thinks you’re really a vampire. You gave me the strength to apply for new jobs and go to new places, make new friends and learn the halfpipe but you weren’t there to watch. I sometimes think you do cheer me on and it makes me smile and I carry on. You used to laugh when people called you a cheerleader but that’s what you were to us.
You do realise you should still be here right? The doctor told you in the beginning that you had at least a year left. You looked so relieved and happy knowing it could all turn out right. We were happy too knowing we could keep you that much longer. All those plans we made turned to dust in 5 minutes. All your hopes and dreams gone. We promised we’d do some of your wish list but damn it I am not sky diving. Neither am I going hunting for yetis. You must have been on the good pain meds when you wrote this list. You were crazy enough to do it. You were crazy enough to do anything.
You’d be happy knowing how we’ve all grown and you’d probably be dancing at the fact that there’s a fair few of us here today stood at your graveside with letters. The looks we’re getting is amazing. Your Grandma is here with us and she’s even put stamps on her letters to you. She has your sense of humour and it’s quite comforting knowing that the angels that take the post to heaven are stamp collectors.
I miss you but I know it was your time to go. All the good times will stay with me forever and all the bad have changed my outlook on life but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve cried enough for one day and every time I think of you it feels like my heart gets stronger.
Thank you for being my friend. My best friend. Thank you for allowing me to spend those last days and moments with you and thank you for just being there even though I can’t see you anymore.
I hope you’re enjoying your big adventure, Doll. Oh and you’d be vey proud of Poirot’s new found skills. He’s a great wallpaper stripper.