It was strange walking into the hospital today. It was like I knew this was the end for her. Things seemed too different. Too bright. Too cheerful. The sun was shining when I thought the skies should be gloomy.
Today Jess died.
Today I feel like no one should smile. I don’t know what to say so I thought I’d write it. Hopefully my feelings won’t be too extreme, but at this point I don’t care. My friend is gone. My beautiful talented friend isn’t alive to see her 24th Birthday and I’m angry that she isn’t here. Cancer took her and turned her into the complete opposite of what she was. I can remember her crying for a day when her hair started falling out and yet a month later when they told her she didn’t have much time left she took it in her stride and simply said “Okay, that’s fine.” At that point we cried for everything she would not see and do.
I think her death has hit me a lot harder than I hoped it would. She died in front of my eyes while she held my hand. That is burned into my head. I’m glad I was there in her final moments and that she didn’t suffer much. Jess wasn’t scared and that helps but now I have to move forward without her in anyway possible. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m fed up of people asking ‘Are you okay?’ even though I know they’re concerned and are genuinely asking.
Let us go back to yesterday when she laughed and smiled. She seemed to be better. She still wasn’t eating but she smiled! That was the best feeling ever! It’s like she knew that was her last effort to make us smile. Today though she had a shadow of a smile when she told us she loved us and would miss us. She’s wrote letters to us and I daren’t open it. I’m terrified of a letter. What if she’s said something and I need to reassure her? I can’t now. Certain things keep popping up and it makes me hate her for a second. Jess you’ve left me with no one to talk to. You’ve left me with your bunny who also seems to be mourning you. I’ve been worried for you for so long I don’t know how to feel anymore. Part of me wants to join you on what you always called your big adventure.
I’m glad your suffering is over and that you’re at peace but, Doll, you shouldn’t have died yet. I am proud of you and love you like a sister. You told me to keep on smiling every time I told you we’d be fine and you could go when ever you needed to. I don’t think I know how to smile anymore. I’ll try though.
I’ll remember every moment with you. The good, the bad and the funny.
Goodbye and Goodnight Doll.
This is mine and Jess’ favourite song… Listen closely to the lyrics.