Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How To Feel

So it’s not quite late night but I thought I’d write this before the Brazil vs Colombia game begins… And yes it has just kicked off.

An ITV commentator as just said “It’s Colombia versus the whole of Brazil” about this game but I really want Colombia to win because the winner of this match takes on Germany which is my team.

Back to the point of this post…

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I like to think this is how I should feel.

I seem to be at the point in my life where I’m thinking what the hell am I doing? I’m busy with my freelance work but I feel so indifferent about it it’s worrying. I’m working the Yorkshire Grande Depart bit of the Tour de France this weekend and I really couldn’t give a crap. I know I should be excited and I religiously watch TDF every year so the fact that I don’t feel anything towards it is quite worrying.

I doubt it is a problem as such but I’ll be glad when I start to work out how to feel in certain situations. I still feel anxious when it comes to my sister and how she’s doing but then I’ve always been like that I think. I don’t even feel anything towards my own health anymore, if something happens it happens.

News 2 Ponyo

This is what me and my friends are like. We’re very close.

Talking about things like this helps. Always remember that. My problem comes in that the people I talk to aren’t really there anymore. Tom is moving to Australia in 2 weeks and Jess is still having chemo for stomach cancer so I need to stay strong for her. I can remember clearly how I was when Ben died and I felt nothing then. Please remember if any of you need to talk I am here.

I feel like I’m rambling now… Hey at least it’s a feeling! I just dread that whatever this is sends me into another downward spiral again. I know what happens when you don’t feel emotions. You seem to force yourself into feeling something and then you wreck yourself and your family and friends which destroys you anymore. I should feel bad but at the moment I really don’t.

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We’ll see what happens with work and life and everything and how I make it out. But for now I’ll sit and eat the rest of my mum’s chocolate and watch football. Maybe I’ll get excited or something.

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