Late night ramblings of a vampire who doesn’t know if she belongs.

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I hardly swear. In fact I hate swearing but it’s times like these where I feel like I am totally f*cked in the head.

RambleAnother thing I hardly do is admit I am human. It might be a delusion or a product of my messed up mind but I’m not sure what I am.

I’m an asexual, agender, dyslexic, dyspraxic, possibly now gluten intolerant, bipolar, goth girl who doesn’t understand anything what this world does or says.

I’ve never felt like I am human because I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’m waiting for that day where someone finds me and tells me they are taking me back home. People think I’m joking when i say, “I’m looking for Narnia.” Every so often though. I’m not. A place where the trees and animals talk actually seems to make a more sense than this world sometimes.

I must be missing something people have that blocks out all the insanity of this world.

I’ve been accused of being selfish a lot growing up but looking at the big picture, too many people put money, politics and their own selfish needs before everything else.

Is it just me who sees that the important thing in this whole world should be the fact that we are alive and strive to live in a happy world?

Maybe there is a reason I have mental health issues because what I’ve seen of this world I’m not sure how the population got this far in the first place. The Manic state of my bipolar is actually a blessing, it drops me into a world which makes this one seem like a super happy musical. Every other emotion though makes me want to run away, the self harming and over doses aren’t me trying to kill myself it’s me trying to figure out if this is real or not and find an escape route. Ramblings4

I have an annoying habit of reactively trying to find the positive in everything. It’s getting to the point now where it is tiring when you live in a world what just throws a lot of crap at you. I feel like dropping off the face of the earth just to see if anyone in my life would notice I was missing. RamblingsA

I like to think I have a close group of friends but my time watching people I’m starting to think they are just coping with me because I am the one who latched onto them. In the end though because I latched onto them I’m the one who will keep running back to them, although I start to feel like they are purposely trying to inch away. I always have keep that bit of distance between me and them so ok they can hurt me but they can’t tear me apart. I notice some make arrangements and I wasn’t there it hurts to be lift out hence that distance is needed because they will change and grow up but that’s one of the things I’m not sure I am able to do.  know if I let people crawl further in I’ll be back to that state were I get ripped to pieces again and only held together by an auditory hallucination

I’ve always been treated differently aRamblings 7nd it wasn’t really because of the obvious fashion choices.

I grew up in my own world because from an early age I overall have been alone. Not a lot of people really know but I spent a lot of the first 10-ish years of my life in hospital, but even if it wasn’t for those days off from school I have a feeling I’d still have gotten treated differently. No one in my class understood me I’ve never acted my age no matter how many times I got told to grow up. My personality ranged from being immature in front of hospital staff to being middle aged when it came to being in front of teachers. My personality has never fitted in to cope with those of my age in the schools I have been to and certain characteristics of mine definitely didn’t help with the fitting in process.

Or maybe I give off some weird signal that keeps people away, I think that’s why I identify being a vampire, they are humanoid in stories such as Dracula they have no obvious power but blend into the darkness but also humans see them as dangerous. In some ways as well I’m stuck age wise, everyone seems to be able to change and grow up. I’ve noticed I have changed, well actually it’s more of I’ve become more confident, but growing up emotionally, I’m stuck at that age where everything doesn’t make sense.

When will I be super sexy and when will I be able to turn into a bat?

 

Happy Birthday Natalie Wood!

tumblr_n46rh73juW1qa70eyo1_500Today would have been Natalie Wood’s 76th birthday! I love this woman and not just because I was named after her.

She started acting at an early age and there is so much more to her than the suspicious circumstances surrounding her early death by drowning in 1981. She was her own woman with a life very much lived in the limelight. Her marriages to Robert Wagner never took away from her stardom.

Natalie was a true beauty of the golden era and all the way through her career. She remained professional in her work and Orson Welles once commented that Wood’s professionalism when she was a child was “so good, she was terrifying.”

In celebration of her birthday I’m going to tell you about some of my favourite parts she played throughout her career.

 

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

In Natalie’s first ever starring role, aged 9, she plays Susan Walker a girl brought up not to tumblr_n842dtGJZf1snmmclo1_500believe in fairytales but when she meets Kris Kringle at Macy’s Department store finds that Santa could actually be real. I doubt I need to tell you much about the storyline. Miracle on 34th Street is a Thanksgiving and Christmas classic. You’ve probably all watched the 1994 version with Mara Wilson playing Susan but this version is just as magical. Wood’s performance is heartfelt and very real.

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Rebel Without A Cause (1955)

tumblr_n5kpba5vMR1rerml7o1_1280.pngThis is one of my all time favourite films and one of the very few that stars James Dean. The film is about teenagers, rebellion and a time of decay for American teenagers. When you watch it it’s eerie how true some of the situations seem to be, even today. Wood plays Judy who we see in the Police Station with Jim (Dean) at the beginning of the film. Their relationship grows slowly but the portrayal is perfect for delinquent teenagers. Rebel Without A Cause is one of the first films where we see Wood flung into varying emotional scenes and still at such a young age, she was only 17 at the time.

 

West Side Story (1961)

Okay I know she doesn’t sing herself but this is probably one of the films everyone tumblr_n02kmiI17k1s5bh5uo1_500associates with Natalie Wood. West Side Story is an adaptation of Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, Natalie plays Maria against Richard Beymer’s Tony. Tensions erupt between Maria’s brothers gang the Sharks and the gang Tony is part of the Jets. The characters are portrayed very well and Wood’s acting is quite similar to her work in Rebel Without A Cause. Even her dancing and dubbing for her singing seems realistic. The emotion though out the film seems to make her role stronger, especially with the end tragedy.

 

There are other fantastic films Natalie Wood starred in so if you get chance have a watch of Gypsy (1962), Sex and the Single Girl (1964), Marjorie Morningstar (1958) and The Great Race (1965). You won’t be disappointed with the comedy, drama and cast involved in each.

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Shave or Style for Macmillan!

Big important question here guys: Are you ready to brave the shave?

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Let me explain more. Macmillan cancer support have come up with this awesome campaign to help raise money for their services. You sign up and either have your head shaved or your hair styled. Simple right? It obviously takes a lot of courage and balls but it’s a well worth cause.
10403609_336545609831736_1859678516305399332_nThey’ll send you out sponsor forms and a smashing t-shirt to show the world what you’ve done. The campaign takes place from 19th-25th July but you can do it whenever you like. The money raised will do great things for those suffering from or affected by cancer.

It’s that important I’m braving the shave on Tuesday… In the Tesco where I work. I admit I’m nervous but my friend Jess was recently told she has terminal cancer and she has 12 months to live. Now is the time for me to do something to help!

Anyone interested in helping me in my adventure please visit my page.

Go visit Shave or Style to find out more or sign up! Remember anything you raise for any charity all goes to good things!

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR PATRICK STEWART!

Sir Patrick Stewart

A.K.A

Captain Jean Luc-Picard (Star Trek Next Generation)

A.K.A

Charles Xavier (X-Men, X-Men 2, X-Men Last Stand, The Wolverine (You have to watch past the credits for his part) and X-Men Days of Future past)

A.K.A

Bill Shakespeare (Gnomeo & Juliet)

A.K.A

Numerous roles in American Dad! and Family Guy

A.K.A

Sir Simon De Canterville (The Canterville Ghost)

A.K.A

Ebenezer Scrooge (Christmas Carol)

A.K.A

Numerous people in Theatre and works of Shakespeare

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Ok, just look at this list- http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001772/

 

He’s been in a lot…

Not that he is old.

Sir Patrick Stewart, he’s british, more importantly he’s from Yorkshire, that gives him the possibility of being immortal. If you look through photos of him through out his career he doesn’t seem to have aged… This proves he is immortal.

Born in 1940 Patrick Stewart will be celebrating his 74th birthday today, but since a young age Stewart has grown a career which most people will recognise one of the characters he is played or even aspects of his life- I’m talking about these pictures of him and Sir Ian McKellen on outings together (There was a point where they were all over my Tumblr page).

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He can be considered a true role model, not just in the acting world but also for his charity work for Amnesty International where he spoke out against domestic violence, as he witnessed it first hand with his father physically attacking his mother.

 

It would take 74 years for me to write down all of his iconic and admirable actions and productions, so I’ll just tell you all to go watch something with Patrick Stewart in.

PS11

 

News- Mental health job support scheme piloted

 

Another government idea and it’s to do with Mental Health!!DOTD Fes1

Let’s get those earning (employment support allowance) ESA back into work!

SarcasmOk, at the moment this is just apparently in it’s “Idea,” Stages, but as someone earning ESA for mental health issues. I’m really questioning if the people who have come up with this have really thought it through.

For those who don’t know or need this explaining, here in the UK there are two main benefits for the unemployed.

Jobseekers Allowance – those who are, “Supposedly,” active and looking for work- although many people will argue they aren’t looking for work, these people get about £50 a week but lots of them have to follow rules such as show evidence they are looking for work. The trick is though, the evidence needed is just writing some nonsense on a piece of paper and showing it to an advisor every 2 weeks when you go for your money (or that was the trick in my local job centre when I went)

and

ESA- these people are classed as, “Too sick,” to work, it can be for physical or mental illness but you do need a doctor to agree that you are too sick, you get a sick note and the government do a lot of blah de blah sorting stuff.

 

One thing I find annoying is this idea is taking some people who it is said can’t work and putting them in an environment they might not be ready for but ignoring these people who are signing up for Jobseekers and supposedly want to work.

The main mental illnesses the government want to target are Anxiety and Depression….

I’d love to see the overall plan for this because I’m sure someone in the government has this idea in their head that, people with mental illness just need one therapy session then they’ll be completely mentally healthy

Benidict CWake up call! 

It doesn’t work like that.

It can take years for therapy to work. Even if you have “Caught the illness in an early stage.” (anyone else think that makes it sound like cancer?) it doesn’t mean throwing them into work is the right decision.

 

Reality, it took me 3 years of therapy to realise I wasn’t healthy enough to work.

The idea of talking therapies is to get the patient to realise what is best for them, not what is best for the government’s spending.

Rushing people into talking therapies doesn’t work either.

-If people aren’t ready to talk, that may end up being therapy wasted,

in this case

Will the government punish the person (take the money off of them) if they don’t comply with the therapy?

-If the therapy time is too short, this could leave a person worse- think of it you’ve just brought up memories you’ve hidden for a long time or just had the confidence to talk about them then that, “Support” Which was there and you could talk to is gone, then you are expected to go into a stress of a job.

 

ForkSure, there are times where I think, “Oh I could work,” However, I’m sure many mental health patients will agree with this, what you think one day can be completely different to what you think the next. Because I know that thought of, “I could work.” Is just a one day thing- also a manic thing because me saying I can work is often referring to impossible jobs such as being Wonder Woman.

My conditions would mean me keeping a job would be hard as I’ll be swinging off the roof and being reckless one moment and if they don’t fire me around that point there is a chance I’d be on the roof threatening to jump the next.

 

As they are targeting anxiety-

Morning

Imagine waking up, you need to go to work, your gut feels like it’s twisted and the thought that something bad is going to happen won’t leave your head.

AnxietyThe idea of Fight or flight  is running through you, you want to run and hide from the world but at the same time you feel as if you are in a battle waiting for someone to pounce out and attack you. Although a therapist has told you nothing will happen to you, you still have the urge to cower under the duvet, while your body is waiting for an attack.

Somehow you do manage to get up and dressed- although you may not look your best as you were rushed to get dressed- the idea something bad will happen soon turns into the thought that everyone is looking at you and laughing at you. Throughout the day you are constantly plagued by paranoid thoughts, you avoid everyone (which is a problem in most jobs)

This continues, even worsens throughout the day. This is just one of the many things a person with anxiety could feel.

 

I don’t think the government see that most of these people with Mental Illness on ESA might be on it for a reason.

Depression isn’t just the person is feeling sad

Anxiety isn’t just that the person is feeling scared.

If some people want to go back to work, I say go for it, but I think if the government want to see about saving money they should look into the people who can work first. Dalek emotional

With ESA (especially with this idea) there are two groups people can be placed into. One of the groups I was actually terrified I’d be placed into, the “Work-Related group,” Involves regular interviews which if you don’t turn up to they can defer your benefit  and you can only be in this group for a year before you go into work or back on job seekers.

My anxiety levels actually dropped when I found I had been put into the, “Support group.” where you don’t have to go to those interviews.

This new idea apparently people will have to go through an interview.

Dear person who came up with this idea. Telling someone with anxiety that they have to go for an interview, which could effect their life, really not a good idea. Signed anxiety patient.

 

With this idea, I’m not sure if the government realise how much money they will need to put into therapy, apparently there are 260,000 people on ESA for mental health issues. Now, add the wage of a therapist, the amount of time they will need to put in, there may also be the need for a support scheme, someone the person could contact for support if they feel like they are having issues looking for work or in work, there are lots of things to factor in.DP Madness

I’m sort of hoping this idea doesn’t become official as, I know loads of people who will be effected by it. I’m all for equality with mental health but at their own timings.

 

Cat’s Horror Movie Fest Part 2

Yes it’s been a while.

I’m not going to go into reasons… Let’s just put it down to Timey wimey wibbly wobbly stuff.

 

Insidious (2010) Insidieous 2

Ok, there was something about this movie, which made me want to watch, even though it did begin as one of those, “Stereotypical,” Humans move into new house then hauntings begin films. Also the ending was captivating enough that I went on to watch the sequel- Insidious 2.

Cas

So, family moves into new house, same as some other horror movies you have that annoying over protective mother, not sure if it’s just me, but I know if this was real life and happening to me it wouldn’t be the ghost driving me out of the house. There’s two kids, who are probably too young to know what is going on, but the film uses this to their advantage and there is the, “I’m all in charge dad,” Oh also there is a baby, which brings out more maternal insanity for the mother.

Scream

The interesting thing for this movie is, it’s sort of plays on people like me who believed this was going to be a typical, “They have moved into a haunted house film.” Which I loved. The new house is sort of a red herring as the hauntings come from the family itself, coincidence they just happened to move. Things start to unravel as one of their sons, slips into a, “Coma which isn’t a coma,” then a psInsideous 1ychic power gift is brought into the film along with the reason for why these demons are terrorizing the family.

Insidious, plays as a horror movie as it has demon possession and the threat to this family, there is creepy scenes where the ghosts and demons are playing with the family, leaving doors open, talking through baby monitors and this movie also brings to the scene a demon dimension which has to be entered.

 

As a fan of Supernatural (TV series) I also saw a hint of that in this movie, not just from the demon- Although as far as I remember there is no demon like that in the show- but there is the people they call in to help deal with these, “Hauntings,” Two guys come in to see if the house is haunted, and for me they reminded me of the early days of the two guys in, “Ghostfacers.”

Ghostfacers

GhostFacers

Insidious

Specs and Tucker from Insidious

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Favourite thing about this movie- the fact that they have managed to give the important factors- the demons, psychic/supernatural power side and the background history of the family enough attention and still made a pretty good movie.

Worst part of the movie-  The demon filing his nails, with a hardcore filer. I just can’t…. it’s like the equivalent of a serial killer reading Cosmo before going on another killing spree.

Annoying thing about the movie- the title- for me- is an awkward spelling word, I have to go back and sort out the red lines through this post, the fact that the sequel has the same name doesn’t make this any better.

Amusing part of this movie- The creepy thing from Saw (movies) makes an appearance-as the director and writer of Insidious is also the writer and director of the Saw movies. In the same scene the name, “Leslie Borchard,” Is written on the board, Leslie was the hair stylist in this movie.

Insideous post copy

 

 

Horror movie rating- 3/5

Overall movie rating- 4/5

 

 

 

A Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Cabin in the Woods

This movie, my first thoughts in the opening few minutes was, “Okay…” In horror movie ways, it reminded me of one of the first scenes of Resident Evil before the virus gets released and then as we all know, crap goes down. The movie has a massive plus, actor wise. Chris Hemsworth (Thor) and Jesse Williams (Avery in Grey’s Anatomy) But anyway I digress as I’m here to talk about horror movies not nice looking actors who – Possibly- have to die in this movie.

 

C.I.T.W Cast

There are five main characters, who some what resemble the characters of  he Scooby Doo series, unfortunately as the roles of the hippy and the leader are taken Jesse Williams will have to take up the role of Scooby Doo. It’s even more C.I.T.W ScoobyMystery Inc as it isn’t actually a proper haunted place, the weird scene at the beginning that involves a office building are the people controlling the supernatural stuff.

 

 

 

 

Overall, it is a good movie and it doesn’t involve hauntings! Which is a change, it’s more of a human sacrifice movie done with style and design. It does as the title says involve a Cabin in the Woods and it is from that creepy dwelling things start to get a bit more, “Horror movie,” and people, the typically portrayed college students, start to get killed off. Although I found it more funny than terrifying but the clever thing this movie does is you have the people who control the things find this thing funny too, so in a way this movie has something people can agree on.

Amused

 

 

C.I.T.W Unicorn

Best part of the movie- When all the monsters get unleashed

+ The unicorn stabbing a person

 

Worst part-  There is a trick part of the movie where you get the impression one of the characters dies (There is blood shown in one of the sacrifice tablets) but then that character turns out to be alive. The movie doesn’t tell exactly what happened and why there is blood in that tablet and why that blood got cancelled out.

 

Horror movie rating- 2.5/5

Overall movie rating – 3/5

 

 

Quarantine (2008)Qurentine

 

This one was recommended to me and I soon realised this was a movie which in the past I had started mid-way though and then left because lets just say if you don’t come in at it at the right point it can just seem like a lot of people running screaming in a building , which doesn’t sound like a good horror movie at all.

Quaren-minion

Quarantine is an infection outbreak zombie movie, the infection started off as rabies in dogs then turned to slowly infecting humans. It tried to be like these hot chick zombie fighting movies by dressing the main lady in tight clothing but I guess to make this more horror than action the woman doesn’t know what she is doing.

There are two main characters- a News reporter- Angela, who I have mentioned when this movie starts going starts panicking allover, and the camera man who is possibly only seen twice in this movie. One good thing about this movie is the perspective it is shown from as the film is shown through the camera/camera man which is constantly on record. I know that sort of thing has been done before but movies such as Paranormal Activity showed more amateur filming while this one the camera man is more stable.

It’s slow to start off as the film starts with the news crew first doing a documentary on the fire department- Angela goes about being all giggly and what’s this whats that? When if you know a journalist you would know a proper one would have done research. It gets to a point for 5 minutes in where you could just leave for another 5 minutes and you wouldn’t miss much, as much as you hope the fire station doesn’t end up being haunted or anything horror movie style.

Rollin cat

The movie finally gets going when the firemen gets called to an apartment building, and take the news crew along, for a screaming woman. I’m not entirely sure why the fire service was needed- the police called them in, they get there and no one even knows what state this woman is in, in Britain the police would have just handled it broken down the door then called for other services. Good thing something like Quarantine wouldn’t happen here. The old lady soon turns out to be creepy and begins to bite people and the CDC (Centre for Disease control) Sure are quick in this movie as they appear and seal off the building before anything is reported.Cumberbatch Fairy

It then turns out to be a typical zombie movies where the infected people and rats turn on the living till no one is left and the non-infected fight for survival hiding from the zombies and trying to get out even though they are locked in the building thanks to the US Government, who have also cut off the people inside the building’s communication with the outside world.

 

Best Part of the movie-

When one of the fire men comes back as a zombie and he is walking about with his leg practically hanging off.

When the camera man kills a zombie using the camera- after this we do briefly see the camera man for the first time as he cleans the lens.

Worst Part- Although it is better done than these other movies that tell the story from the victims point of view with a camera there is still an amateur feel to it where you can’t take the movie seriously, lots of things seem over done and I questioned the intelligence of the characters a lot- it takes nearly the entire movie for someone to remember there is a way out what the CDC might not have blocked off.

 

Overall Movie rating- 2/5 stars

Horror Movie rating- 2.5/5 stars

 

Annoying Quote-

“I told my mum I wanted to be a fire man, tonight I am living the dream.”

…Darling, you’re not exactly living the dream as you are a woman to be living your dream you need a sex change.

Facepalm

Late Night Ramblings of a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How To Feel

So it’s not quite late night but I thought I’d write this before the Brazil vs Colombia game begins… And yes it has just kicked off.

An ITV commentator as just said “It’s Colombia versus the whole of Brazil” about this game but I really want Colombia to win because the winner of this match takes on Germany which is my team.

Back to the point of this post…

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I like to think this is how I should feel.

I seem to be at the point in my life where I’m thinking what the hell am I doing? I’m busy with my freelance work but I feel so indifferent about it it’s worrying. I’m working the Yorkshire Grande Depart bit of the Tour de France this weekend and I really couldn’t give a crap. I know I should be excited and I religiously watch TDF every year so the fact that I don’t feel anything towards it is quite worrying.

I doubt it is a problem as such but I’ll be glad when I start to work out how to feel in certain situations. I still feel anxious when it comes to my sister and how she’s doing but then I’ve always been like that I think. I don’t even feel anything towards my own health anymore, if something happens it happens.

News 2 Ponyo

This is what me and my friends are like. We’re very close.

Talking about things like this helps. Always remember that. My problem comes in that the people I talk to aren’t really there anymore. Tom is moving to Australia in 2 weeks and Jess is still having chemo for stomach cancer so I need to stay strong for her. I can remember clearly how I was when Ben died and I felt nothing then. Please remember if any of you need to talk I am here.

I feel like I’m rambling now… Hey at least it’s a feeling! I just dread that whatever this is sends me into another downward spiral again. I know what happens when you don’t feel emotions. You seem to force yourself into feeling something and then you wreck yourself and your family and friends which destroys you anymore. I should feel bad but at the moment I really don’t.

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We’ll see what happens with work and life and everything and how I make it out. But for now I’ll sit and eat the rest of my mum’s chocolate and watch football. Maybe I’ll get excited or something.

Birthday Double: Olivia de Havilland & Leslie Caron

This year we bring you a special beginning to July. We celebrate two Hollywood legends birthdays and they’re both still alive! Happy Birthday to Olivia de Havilland and Leslie Caron!

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Both ladies have brought their own achievements to old Hollywood and are true Hollywood actresses in every sense of the phrase.

 

Olivia de Havilland

Olivia_de_Havilland_stillBorn in Tokyo, Japan on 1st July 1916 de Havilland has lived through it all. She broke into Hollywood early on and is famous for starring opposite Errol Flynn in eight films including The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938), having a public off screen feud with her sister, Joan Fontaine, but she’s probably most famous for playing Melanie Hamilton in Southern epic Gone With the Wind (1939) with Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable. Her acting shows how versatile she was and her attitude fits in perfectly with the era of films she was in.  All her big films will be remembered forever as will her supposed romantic ties to Flynn. De Havilland won many awards during her long stage career including two Academy Awards. She also won a court case about how long you could be signed to a certain producer for, even today this is known as the de Havilland Law. She is an actress and woman who will always be remembered for her work, her long life and what she has done for the movie industry as a whole.

Happy 98th Birthday Olivia!

De_Havilland-Melanie

 

 

Leslie Caron

leslie-caron-and-gigi-galleryCaron was born in Seine, France on 1st July 1931. Her first film role was in An American In Paris starring opposite Gene Kelly. It was Kelly that managed to get her into the big films which shot her to stardom. Caron is a well known dancer and singer and is one of only a few actresses to have danced with the likes of Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly and Rudolf Nureyev. Her most famous role is probably that of her playing Gigi in the 1958 version of Gigi. Her portrayal of a young woman learning to be a courtesan is fun and care free in Minelli’s version of the film. The addition of her lovely singing and dancing makes it a brilliant performance.

Caron has had a long and wonderful career with a mixture of musicals, dramas and tv work. The awards she has won are well deserved and we can only thank Gene Kelly for seeing her talent all those years ago at Ballet des Champs Elysees.

Happy 83rd Birthday Leslie!

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It’s great to be able to write a post about one actor from the Golden era still alive to celebrate their birthday but two is magical in our book. Enjoy your birthday’s ladies while we enjoy celebrating by enjoying your films.