My day was shocking. How was yours?
Every 4 weeks I have to go see this really nice lady at Mind about my self harming issues. She’s helped me loads and really supports me and what I sometimes go through. Today was different. She helped me by waking me up and telling me there’s more wrong than I previously assumed.
I live with self harming pretty well. I tend to do it when I’m upset or stressed and it’s my coping mechanism. I’ve been doing pretty well recently where I haven’t harmed myself and I think this is down to being at work a lot more than I usually am so I’m very much occupied all the time. The bad thing that has arisen is that I’ve noticed I’ve become a zombie. I have the I can’t be arsed attitude and I have no idea why. I just woke up one morning and it was as if the invasion of the body snatchers had got to me. This is a sign that you’re depressed. I think being told this upset me more than it should have especially the fact that I have to go see my doctor for anti depressants. I really don’t like taking medication that affects your moods and personality. I’ve seen what Cat’s bipolar meds do and that’s pretty scary. What hits me even harder is that if I’d have self harmed like I usually do if anything like this happens would I be in this situation now? I know I’ll never know the answer to this and I suppose that’s okay. For now I’ll continue being a zombie until I can see the doctor. My sleep, work, eat, repeat routine has been going pretty well and I’ve mastered the vacant stare.
I also know and realise that some people who know me will be shocked by the revelations in this post. Please don’t judge me. Treat me as you usually do and it’ll all be fine. I’m not fragile and I won’t break. We deal with things differently and it’s made me who I am. A strong, independent woman who is opinionated. It took a lot for me to write this but I wrote it in the hope that someone might understand and it might help one person. That’d make me feel better.
For more information on the good work Mind does please visit http://www.mind.org.uk