Late night ramblings of a -Manic Depressive- Vampire

Smiley Jello

I believe this jelly symbolises how I feel at the moment… Happy Jelly!

It’s been mentioned before I’m Bipolar. I’m not afraid to admit I’m bipolar, most people who know me guess there is something wrong anyway and I’m accepting enough to joke about it. I have a mental health condition not a sticker across my head which says, “Discriminate at will.”

Besides, I have something most of you don’t have- Moments of pure happiness and it doesn’t matter what happens in that time because nothing will get me down. Yeah I have super powers and that isn’t a delusion. Also I have the understanding on how bad people can feel. So, yes I am bipolar but I have the power of empathy without even walking out the front door.

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Right as I am currently in a Manic state this could seem like a puzzle, I could start off with one sentence and end up talking about something completely different, honestly in real life I can hold two conversations at once. It’s like these pictures you see associated with ADHD.

So, for the past year-ish- I have actually not really been taking medication, it wasn’t that they didn’t prescribe me any, it is just I didn’t take them because of the way they made me feel. I got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder around 2 years ago, I’ve been tried on two anti-psychotic medications. There have been a few hellish moments, when it was first discovered that I wasn’t taking my meds things blew up, but to be honest even if I had been taking my tablets things still would have gotten that bad because of the situation I had gotten into.

Dalek

I’ve learned that if I tell people who know I’m bipolar, I’m not taking the medication things actually stop for a moment. The most common reaction was one which related to, “Can you cope?” This concern suddenly comes out, the thing is though most of the time I was ok, I actually knew when to take my medication, ok it was only about once every 2-3 weeks but that was my way of coping.

I’m not sure if people have this overwhelming concern that if you are Bipolar and off medication, that you are going to suddenly decide to commit suicide or in a sudden aggressive manic state you’re going to go on a killing spree.  I tried explain to people I do know my own warning signs. The treatment plan for bipolar people is to recognise these, “Relapse signs.” I had spent numerous years before my diagnosis with bipolar, I hadn’t and still haven’t once tried to commit suicide and I’m not the type of person who will go on a murder spree- to be honest I hadn’t even gotten a detention in high school, so unless bipolar is something that only progresses to it’s full symptoms once a psychiatrist says the words, I think I’d be in a prison or at least have some warning or dead if I were to do those things.

The medication is there for the patient as well as the people around them. It seems mean, well I don’t read minds but I’m pretty sure most people would feel better- possibly even safer- if they knew that part of me was under control. There are a lot of treatment options. I got told yesterday that my bipolar is, “Complicated,” (Most bipolar people have a normal state in between mania and depressed states, mine progresses too quickly so I don’t really have that normal state- hence the psychiatric team really needed me back on medication) But that’s why medication which should have worked after I was diagnosed didn’t really work. So, the mission is to- again- find some medication that will make me feel better/not zombified and I will be willing to take and so people will feel safer as there is one less weird complicated bipolar girl out on the streets of Gotham!!!… Oh wait wrong town.

Before finally getting diagnosed, I actually had two other forms of treatment. Anti-depressants and counselling.

Now, because I was about 16, they put my mood swings down to normal adolescent things- never knew normal 16 year olds felt suicidal that much but hey, I ended up in counselling for low self-esteem issues and anger management issues.

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My reaction when I recall those treatments

One of the traits that often come with the Manic side of bipolar is, high self esteem and image, sometimes people start to believe they can do anything- one of the common things with me is that I say I want to do something I know I can’t, I often say when I’m in a manic state, I want to go swimming, now anyone who knows me will know I cannot swim and also I am terrified of deep water… Now, can you imagine what happens when you put some one in a manic state in low self-esteem counselling, where they tell you all your good traits etc?

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I got it at the wrong time, in my manic state I saw myself even better- only making jokes about how something could harm my self esteem, so something like a bad grade was just a joke.

With me, the counselling isn’t something that transferred onto all my moods, when it came to the lows, I regretted feeling and seeing myself that way, meaning I felt worse. Plus add on all the stresses of A-level exams and crap happening in home life… Truthfully, I can’t hide my hatred when counselling gets suggested to me, the place I got sent to (a small council thing) knocked down a lot of walls in my mind and the only reason I actually got discharged from the place was because I was going into a high state and they saw I was happy.

Another form of treatment that I had before the diagnosis, was something that shouldn’t have happened. I got put on Anti-Depressants. Short story, The time I was on them I was in a manic state. You shouldn’t put a bipolar person on anti-depressants with out something to bring the other side down. I remember dancing through Debenhams when I was on them…. To be honest, not much has changed only now when in a manic state I’m more likely to be singing Judy Garland songs or dancing to a song in Singin in the Rain.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when Eastenders first started to run the Bipolar story line- I don’t watch Eastenders, I just know they are running that story line again this time with the correct information. But when I was diagnosed about 95% of patients thinking they were Bipolar were going by what Eastenders was telling them, so most of them didn’t have Bipolar Disorder. Lucky me again, I found myself in a minority.

First official medication I got put on was Olanzapine, I got put in hospital for a week with this one!

Second one Quetiapine, I stopped taking this one because I found I worked better without it- But fun fact about Quetiapine, in the side effects list apparently one of the possible side effects is, “Unexpected death.”  At university I was a zombie Year One thanks to the Olanzapine, A semi-Zombie year 2 thanks to the Quetiapine and then all of a sudden my grades shot up and I was actually there for year 3 when I stopped taking the medication- only taking it when I felt like I needed it.  Both, these medications have heavy sedatives in them, I don’t remember much on the Olanzapine but I do have a record for sleeping over 16 hours one day on the Quetiapine and even when I was awake I wasn’t fully there… I usually only get 4 hours sleep on a good day without medication and can work most of that.

Yesterday, I was put on a new medication. Sodium Valproate. It’s a twice a day thing but so far me and it are not on good terms. Yesterday I was in a depressed mood, I ended up calling the Crisis Team (people who are there when patients get really bad) but around 20 hours later, my mood suddenly did a 180 and thanks to the meds as well I feel sick. Fun fact about these meds, it’s expected you will feel like you will be sick for the first few days on these tablets but if you actually throw up you need to go to hospital because these tablets can mess up your liver and send you into liver failure!

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You need to love the medication people sometimes. Anyone else see the irony in the fact this medication is for people with mood problems possibly with anxiety to stop these symptoms but the tablets are also giving us symptoms of something that could probably kill us? Sort of like, “Oh this will get rid off all my troubles, I feel sick, but they said if I throw up it could be a sign of liver failure! I thought these tablets were going to get rid of this panic, not kill me! IT’S A CONSPIRACY!”…. And here’s me making up more conspiracies about the medication industry, if anyone wants to hear my conspiracy theory on asthma just ask.

Along with medication I also have to see a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) regularly (once every one or two weeks) she comes out and just gives me someone to talk to and also if things need seeing to she will highlight them in the meetings they have. So, just incase anyone thinks mental health patients are uncontrollable or are suicides waiting to happen, there are people there to stop it getting that far. There are various charities or even official NHS numbers people can call.

Late night ramblings of a girl who’s been told to take anti-depressants.

My day was shocking. How was yours? Every 4 weeks I have to go see this really nice lady at Mind about my self harming issues. She’s helped me loads and really supports me and what I sometimes go through. Today … Continue reading

Why You Are Unemployed ?!

Isn’t it Ironic ? Don’t You Think ? – Alanis Morisette 

Who knew that song would still be relevant to me in 2013 . It was made in 1996! Yet , sat at the jobcentre signing on after another two weeks of failing to find employment . The lady talking to me says “Can you wait ten minutes? We are very short staffed.” I personally do not have an issue with waiting , but this lady who I have to beg for money every 14 days works for the government ran jobcentre that make it so bloody difficult to employ people! You do not need any previous qualifications for the job .However two different people that work at the job centre have both told me it is very difficult to get into .  Also I have a previous warning letter slapping my wrist for being 3minuites late but hey it helps keep the song relevant !

But yeh basically I feel that We, University leavers , job seekers are just not getting the help we need .

For anyone that wants to try as I have, to get a job at the job centre.  I say lets beat the establishment ! Heres a website where you can look for civil servant jobs . !https://jobs.civilservice.gov.uk/company/nghr/app_center.cgi?SID=b3duZXI9NTA1MDAwMCZvd25lcnR5cGU9ZmFpciZzZWN0aW9uPWdlbmVyaWMmc2Vhc29uPTA=

I am personally trying very hard to get a job after University to no avail thus far.  I thought I did! But no the search continues.

1. Go to a interview believing that you know everything about what the job entails 

Don’t get me wrong there are some amazing opportunities I have applied for that I can not wait to be considered for . But in my nievity of the job search I have applied for so many scams . The companies themselves very real however as the old saying goes if it is too good to be true it is because it is .

I have walked into a interview expecting to rock it ! However the other 50 people in the room would beg to differ ! For me I feel slightly hurt by the graduate jobs I have gone for because they have just lead to me not getting the job (boo) . This could be due to economies fall from grace.

The Grad jobs I did apply for

A)50 to 1 chance of getting the job , I got eliminated within the first round of interviews 😦 . With this specific company I later found out that the people who kept phoning me and asking me questions got commission if I got hired . I truly thought this lady calling me everyday really believed in my abilities . Meh .

B) Upselling what the job actually is : Now I know how to avoid the usual scams of working from home.  Being your own boss . All that Jazz. Being a individualist though I kept my window open to most jobs . So when I saw a graduate marketing assistant scheme I was thrilled. So I applied .Went to two interviews and a trial day . Got the job !

What was the graduate job ?

Knocking on doors selling internet for a certain company and television services .

Now don’t get me wrong I enjoyed chatting to other people and my “Mentor” but it was not what the job advertises and after I got the job the first thing the director of the company said was . He knows that people do not want to do this . He doesn’t hire people that do. He hires people that want to own their own companies . Nice man ,

The sad truth was I would be earning commission , Not always reliable income . Not what I wanted at all. I did it for two days and quit . Within two days I received alot of compliments about potential, promises of buisness trips that I wouldn’t have to pay for, but I would happily swap that for a minimum wage job .  I spent my own money for transport to sell a product door to door . I couldn’t justify spending my free time doing this instead of applying for actual paying jobs , or doing some form of meaningless course to get a piece of paper that says I can do basic p.a stuff that academically speaking having a creative degree doesn’t show somehow .

Here is a excellent link for tips to handle grad job interviews > (By a company that did not employ me. Fools)

 http://the50interviewtips.com/

C) The job offer is taken: Drinking a starbucks preparing myself for the interview I was going to rock . I received a phone call telling me. They hired some one . An hour before my interview . Bit unprofessional . had to swallow sadness like a baws .

 

 

I am now applying for the basic of jobs not mentioning the hard graft I did do for three years as the jobcentre lady has decided this makes me far too overqualified to be aknowledged . But this is my beef with the world . I am still far too overqualified for junior creative jobs that specifically do not ask for degrees at all.

The only thing for me to do is to keep applying as with all the other unemployed graduates but hey lets keep happy.  Living at home I don’t have to wear a onesie, jumper and housecoat this winter .  I am volunteering in a Charity shop to keep my retail skills refreshed. Oh I also start college again at 21 . in health and social care. Sighh .

Places I would advise people to not waste their time is the big chain shops . That you spend hours and days of your life trying to sell yourself through mental ability tests . One wrong click and your dismissed from the whole process ! Definitely back to the time of not what you know its who you know . I need to meet more successful people me thinks .

With all this spare time I have been able to see what is happening in the world of music and if lady gaga can sing applause  for 50 percent of her new song surely real creatives can make it through .

 

Thanks for reading . Lets hope I have some positive job news  soon .

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Happy Birthday Greta Garbo

It would have been the late, great Greta Garbo’s birthday today. Has one of my favourite actresses it’s only fair that I let you in on why I love her. So here is a few of the silents and talkies … Continue reading

Get ya TV ready!

Next week in America sees the launch of some of Well Did You Evah’s Favourite TV shows

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Monday-

TV Castle

Castle is back! Season six, we get to finally find out whether Kate Beckett is going to accept Richard Castle’s marriage proposal. Along with personal drama, we get to witness murders being solved, with Castle’s witty take on things.

Expect Nathan Fillion, Detective Crime Drama, Twists, Nathan Fillion, Laughs and of course plenty of Nathan Fillion.

Tuesday-

TV NCISNCIS, season 11. Now it’s been no secret the actress that played Ziva David (seasons 3-11) Is leaving at the beginning of the season. So, be prepared for a new arrival. We were left at the end of Season ten with Tony, Ziva and McGee resigning and taking blame for all the charges held against Gibbs. The next scene we heard a gunshot after Gibbs was seen aiming a Sniper Rifle at FBI agent Fornell’s head (it’s not confirmed if Gibbs has shot him) So Season 11 should get off to a good start and clear some answers up.

Expect- Gibbs giving head slaps, personal drama, murder, McGee making no sense as he techno babbles.

Thursday- 

Grey’s Anatomy, Yup it’s back. Unfortunately, Cristina is said to be going this season. So Cristina, Owen may TV Grey'snever happen now, In true Grey’s tradition we can expect her to have a good send off. Grey’s left us again (like every season finale on this show) we were left on a cliff hanger. Meredith went into labour in the middle of a storm and a black out, Season 11 we should get to meet the Grey/Shepard family along with the new arrival of Baby Bailey, find out if Torres and Arizona can sort out their relationship out and also (among other things) if the Chief has survived an electric shock.

Expect- Drama, Medical stuff, Blood, Possibly death, to cry, to scream at the screen, possibly explosions, sex, lots and lots of relationship problems.

TV ElementaryElementary- Sherlock in America continues! Now we had a whole week a few months ago dedicated to what this show includes, I’m just going to mention that season 1 finished with the show down between Sherlock and Moriarty (who in this series is female and Irene). Season 1 ended sweetly with Sherlock naming a new breed of wasp after Watson, there was an air of uncertainty if this show was going to come back with a season 2 but I’m glad it is back.

Expect- Jonny Lee Miller, Crime Drama, An Intellectual main character, A kick ass Female Watson.

Other things coming up-

Sunday 22nd September- Downton Abbey, Series 4 (UK)

Sunday 29th September- Once Upon A Time, Season 3

Tuesday 8th October- Supernatural, Season 9

Friday 25th October- Grimm, Season 3

Wanting to Study an Art Degree?

Deciding to study art at university? Or have you already started?

What should you consider when deciding?

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All the universities try and sell themselves on employment rates, student experience and how many are graduating with Firsts or 2:1’s.

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One thing you need to accept when going to study art is that you really need to ignore the employment rate part. If a university says 95% of it’s students leave uni with a job, the unemployed 5% may possibly be those studying an art subject. So, accept there is a large possibility you will leave university without a job if you want to study art

It’s frustrating I know, but the UK is still in an unemployment crisis, so no matter what you study there is still a chance you’d leave without a job. Most artists go into a freelance area. But the trick is to keep looking out for your dream job and in the mean time keep practicing.

Student Experience? 

You don’t want to go to a university where students are encouraged to work, eat and sleep.  But although it may destroy some expectations, you don’t want to go to a university where you are out partying till 4 am every night for the whole year.

For course experience, you want the course, which is going to offer you the best experience.

Go out and ask art students themselves-

Truthfully, it’s ok universities announcing they are top whatever of student experience (Me and Vanessa went to York St John University, so we know all about this tagline, as they got voted 9th in student experience) But as an Artist you need to look deeper into what will be best for you.

You shouldn’t just go on the course because it as voted on some league table.

University Art Shows.

Second years and Third Years often put on shows, this is your chance to go and look at what art they are producing and also ask what their experience is/was like. They won’t be paid to give you some, “Perfect,” Sounding answer and no one is quoting numbers or picking out the best line of what they have said.

Research

Going along to these shows will shows will show you what type of art the course studies (especially in the Degree show). If the degree show is exhibiting mostly sculpture, then I would guess the course focuses on sculpture, same with courses such as theatre.

Look out for common relations in the shows, if some subject area or medium comes up a lot. If the exhibition is advertised as a sculpture/performance art or romance/horror show, then obviously look further into the course.

UCAS will have loads of universities that will have courses in art, each will be different. Just because, “Fine Art,” Comes up a lot doesn’t mean every university teaches the same course

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Tutors.

These are going to be working with you for three years. Now along with asking students, about them you need to do research. Ask the tutors themselves at interviews or open days, if that fails there is always my favorite answer- Google. I’m not saying look at their lives history. As an artist you need to find a tutor who will at least be able to give you some tips on your artwork, to help it grow- as most tutors will be practicing artists themselves. If you like Performance Art but are going to a university where the tutors are associated with drawing/painting. There may be some difficulties. The last thing you need is to feel like you are lagging behind because your interest lies in a different area.

The Course

You do need to consider, there will be at least one module you probably won’t like, Unless, you do find the perfect course

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 The course isn’t moulded to what you want it to be. 

You can’t go into a course expecting it all to be drawing, because that’s all you want to do. Really, it was annoying when a woman at the degree show openly turned up her nose at the art course at York St John University because it isn’t 100% what she wanted. University is a learning environment, so, do be prepared to learn things, you might not like it but there are others in the class who will love it and they are paying for the same course too.

Some courses will change every year so it might be worth while asking what the course entails- Different modules will require different themed results. It’s ok to hear about one module and feel you won’t like it but tutors and the other students you are with will help you though it to get a decent result and you never know you might find another area you love.

Facilities-

Again, this isn’t something they can put on paper. They can list what they have- spacious studio’s, lots of digital stuff and a woodwork shop. Sometimes getting a look around the studios isn’t possible so, it might be worth going to multiple open days or asking if you get an interview to look around.

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These are just a few things that will make up your student experience; it’s these things you probably should look into to decide if you and your practice will fit into the university and if you will enjoy it. University, isn’t just partying, the part you are now paying over £9000 a year for is the course. So, check that the course and the university meet your needs. Most cases they will want you to go to your university, so they won’t mind you asking questions. It’s these sorts of things along with enthusiasm and motivation that will help you get a good grade.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones Film Review

Yes after weeks of debating I decided to go see City of Bones. And I took Cat along. I liked the books, they’re not my favourites but I managed to read them all while not being bored so they’re good … Continue reading

New Addition to WellDidYouEvah :D

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Hello, I am delighted to be apart of such a successful blog . I hope to add to the humor, reviews and entertainment of WellDidYouEvah with stories of my daily life that I feel need to be heard. As a creative thinker with a degree , who knew getting employed would be so difficult ? Not me ! So far I have been rejected for boots several times , Manchester university clerical work  five times  and the best by far a TRAINEE funeral director . The clue is surely in the name . (Train me up! I have a degree, I am capable to learn ! ). So nice meeting you guys ,  Vanessa is the name, positive attitude is my game !

A Study in Silks by Emma Jane Holloway

I was lucky enough to get an ARC version of this book from NetGalley.

17262144When I first heard of this book I was very excited. I love Steampunk and Sherlock Holmes so obviously this mixed together with a female lead was right up my street. Sometimes when you become over excited about a book you find yourself disappointed. I wasn’t with this book!

It’s such a fabulously complex book that makes you think while you read. Once or twice it even spurred conversations about Conan Doyle’s original work which was quite excellent. Holloway manages to keep you interested in all aspects of the book but doesn’t bore you with long winded going ons. I’m also happy with the accuracy of the Victorian era. Yes Steampunk allows for some room to move but it was quite a relief in some ways to see the times stick true to the original Sherlock Holmes time.

Eveline our main character is the niece of Sherlock Holmes. She’s an independent, confident woman something that’s seen in steampunk books but not so much in other Victorian styles. She’s such a great character, along with all the others, as she’s unexpected and interesting. Even in her independence and cunning ways she still finds time to have romance in her life which gives for a great change of scene in the book. As with any Victorian book you’ll find yourself reading about splendid balls and debutantes. It kind of keeps you tied to the time period.

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Eveline has a detective is not what you’d expect, in some places she lets her emotions and the love triangle get in her way. This reminds you that yes she is female and she is not Sherlock Holmes. If anything these intrusions help the mystery run throughout the case and leave us in suspense.

Ms. Holloway’s style of writing is quite addictive, you find yourself reading more than you thought you would just to find out what’s happened. She’s definitely took some inspiration from the original Sherlock Holmes (like the name) but this does not define the book. Holloway has brought her own sense of Victoriana steampunk to life with all the clockwork, steam automations etc.

Overall this book is great for people who read a range of genres and would work perfectly well for those delving into the steampunk or Holmes world. 17264584Definitely give it a go! I’ve already preordered the next two and honestly can’t wait for more mystery, steampunk and feminine wiles.

A Study in Silks is due for release on 24th September with the second of The Baskerville Affair series due out in October.

Studio Ghibli’s Hayao Miyazaki announces retirement.

This is it guys. Studio Ghibli have released a “deliberately short” statement announcing that the God of Japanese animation is retiring from directing for good. There will be a press conference next week in Tokyo giving more details on the … Continue reading